Holy Disappearance

NT Israel...figurative or literal?

2011-04-03T21:46:00.002-05:00

in this post i am doing something a little different...i am requesting responses with opinions. i realize that due to my long periods of blogging inactivity, it is highly likely that no one follows my blog anymore. BUT in the off chance that i do still have readers, i'm interested in what you think!

last weekend i went with my bff to a service with a group that i think would identify themselves as christian zionists. these are people who are gentile christians and are very focused on the land, nation, and people of israel. they want very badly for jewish people to believe that Jesus is the Messiah prophesied in the hebrew scriptures (which is awesome), but they also place enormous significance on the jewish race as God's chosen people (both in the old testament and today). they also place a great deal of emphasis on the geographic location of israel, and they believe that jewish people returning to jerusalem are vital for the second coming of Jesus. they also believe that the land of israel (jerusalem specifically) is the destiny of all believers in Christ. (please note - this is my simplistic interpretation of the beliefs of the specific group of people i observed and not necessarily a good definition of christian zionism as a whole).

i have been thinking about this a lot over the past week. it is clear that in the OT God called the jewish people out, set them apart, and established Himself as their God and them as His people. but my question is this - in light of Jesus' death and resurrection, and His clearly calling people of ALL nations, races, and peoples unto Himself, what status does the jewish race have now? OF COURSE God loves them and wants them to repent and to accept Jesus - but does God hold the jews in a place "more near and dear to His heart"? i was reading tonight in 1 peter, which is a book believed to have been written largely to gentile christians. peter writes to "those who are elect exiles of the dispersion." my study notes (in the esv study Bible) state: "Believers are not only exiles, but God's 'elect exiles.' They are his chosen people, just as Israel is designated as God's chosen people in the OT..Since the recipients of his letter were primarily Gentiles, Peter explicitly teaches that the church of Jesus Christ is the new Israel - God's new chosen people." (however, the notes also point out another view, that "these verses show that the church is like Israel but that the ultimate fulfillment of these OT prophecies pertains mainly to the future ethnic Israel rather than to the church...").

so what do you think? i definitely lean toward the view that God used the jewish race in the OT as a vessel to bring about redemption for people of all nations, but i am definitely unsure as to what i believe about the current call/role of israel today and what God has in store for jewish people in the future. are they still "chosen" moreso than gentiles, or does God's choosing "post-Jesus" have nothing to do with race and everything to do with the heart? and as a gentile believer, what should i do regarding jewish people who sadly have missed the Messiah they've been waiting and hoping for?

epiphany vs simplicity

2011-03-21T22:39:00.003-05:00

i finally finished reading through the book of john. i've really enjoyed the journey. i think one thing i've enjoyed is the simplicity of the Gospel...and just reading the narrative stories of Jesus. when i am choosing a book to study, i often go for the more deeply "theological" books (hence romans being my favorite book of the Bible). but it has been nice to just relax with the greatest Book ever written and to read the stories of my Savior. of course there is theology in john, but i think it's been good for me to dwell on the simplicity and beauty of the book instead of craving for a "theological epiphany" at every turn. sometimes the example of the life of Christ is the simple epiphany i need...thank you Jesus for revealing theological intricacies AND life-altering simplicity in Your Living Word.

Holy Spirit advantage

2011-02-23T23:17:00.003-05:00

i was reading in john chapter 16 last night, and i just want to share my musings about verse 7. in this verse Jesus states that it is good for Him to leave, because then the Holy Spirit (or "Helper") can come. Jesus says the "Helper" is an advantage. i was thinking about what Jesus meant here - how could the Holy Spirit be more of an advantage than having Jesus? i think the answer is simple (or at least it seems simple to me). i believe i know on an intellectual level what a privilege the Holy Spirit is...i mean, i can't imagine what it would have been like "pre-Jesus" to only experience God as a pillar of smoke or fire, a burning bush, an occasional audible voice, an occasional vision, or a second-hand prophet's message (all old testament references). or even in the new testament to have the physical presence of Jesus, but to only be able to see him occasionally when he passed through town, and even then likely only at the back of a packed-out crowd. sometimes i think about how awesome and life-changing it would be to actually, physically meet Jesus...but my heart forgets that i already have the "advantage" of having the Holy Spirit LIVING in me. Jesus is not greater than the Spirit. perhaps it's the connotation of "spirit" that makes me feel like meeting Jesus would be more personal, but i am SO wrong to think this way. perhaps i become so used to having the prompting of the Spirit, that i think of His voice as common and sometimes even learn to tune Him out. but i don't want to begin to think about a life devoid of the Holy Spirit living in me. how awesome is it that Jesus ended his bodily life on earth - a life in which he subjected himself to space-time restraints and could only be in one place at a time - and sent the Holy Spirit who can live and breathe and guide EVERY CHRISTIAN personally, throughout the world, at one time? what an advantage the Holy Spirit truly is! Lord, forgive me for all of the times I overlook the Spirit and downplay the amazing advantage you have given to Your children following Jesus' resurrection. PRAISE BE TO THE FATHER, AND THE SON, AND THE HOLY SPIRIT...THREE IN ONE!

back explosion

2011-02-03T23:28:00.002-05:00

so it's been over a year since i last blogged...unacceptable, i know. i suppose at some point in the wedding planning process and then the months following the wedding, blogging just fell by the wayside. since i have never been an extremely faithful blogger i cannot promise that this time around will be much different, but i have been feeling an itch to write, so here goes.

as many people are now aware, back in december i ruptured a disc in my back. i had been experiencing back pain for over a month, and i was diagnosed with a bulging disc, but on december 13 as i was getting out of bed the disc actually "exploded" (a.k.a. ruptured). i fell back into bed unable to move at all without intense pain. i called my best friend who has a key to the house, and she came and eventually convinced me that we should call an ambulance. so the ambulance came and picked me up. what i thought might be several hours in the e.r. turned into nearly a week in the hospital. there were several times throughout my stay where i was told "if you can get up, you can leave." each time i tried to muster all of my will power and pain tolerance, but i could not get up. (really, who was i kidding - i couldn't even make it to the bathroom without benjamin halfway carrying me there...i'm not sure how i thought i was gonna get up and walk out).

after several days of trying numerous drugs and other things, the doctor on the floor suggested that it was time to consider surgery. at that point, i was just thinking "do whatever you want to me, just make the pain stop." because i continued to be in so much pain, and because i was so ready for the doctors to try anything they thought would help, i didn't really consider the seriousness of the surgery at the time. we were referred by friend to a very gifted neurosurgeon, and when he said he had done this specific surgery numerous times, i wasn't really worried at all. it wasn't until a week or so after the surgery that it really hit me how bad off i was, how intricate the surgery was, and what a miracle it is that i made it through back surgery and was healed.

it really hit me when i was reading in john 5 about the paralytic man beside the pool at bethesda. a man was there who had been an invalid for 38 years. he was hoping to be healed by the pool's waters, but had no one to help him into the pool when the waters were stirred. he couldn't even move a few inches to get into the pool. i realized that i could easily have been that man. had it been another time and had i lived in another place, i could have been lying, waiting, hurting for years and years. i could not even put any weight on my left side, and i'm sure many of the limited movements i did have were because i was on so many pain killers the most intense pains were at least somewhat diminished. Jesus miraculously healed the man at bethesda. but was the outcome of my surgery any less miraculous? from what i can understand, the neurosurgeon cut about a one-inch incision in my lower back. he cut some small pieces out of the bone in my spine in order to be able to get to the ruptured disc. he cleaned out all of ruptured disc material, which was what was pushing into my nerve column and causing the intense pain and numbness in my back, leg, and foot. after cleaning out the ruptured material he somehow closed up the disc, and then closed the incision in my back. several hours after the surgery i was walking around the hospital floor, able to put weight on my left leg without much pain. i mean, seriously...how is this not a miracle? the fact that God has given people the ability to understand the nerves in my back and to make an invalid walk in a few hours is baffling. were it not for the miracle of modern medicine and a gifted surgeon, i might be figuratively hanging out by the pool at bethesda right now, hoping and praying and begging for relief from my pain and my virtual paralysis.

sometimes it is so easy to miss the miraculous in a day and age and culture where miracles have become commonplace. just because my surgery was "routine" in the world of spinal neurosurgery does not mean that a miracle does not occur every time a procedure like mine is successful. God has given some the gift of healing - and whether or not my neurosurgeon recognized it, God used him to perform a miracle in my life on december 17. in a way i feel like the man at bethesda, or the man who was lowered through the roof to Jesus...all i know is that i couldn't walk, and then a miracle happened in an operating room, and now i can walk again.

praise GOD from whom ALL blessings [and miracles] flow!

romans 3

2010-01-17T16:18:00.003-05:00

my lifegroup is currently studying romans...plugging along in one of the deepest (and best) books of the Bible. we have each chosen different commentaries to read along with romans, which is cool because different commentaries focus on different things, and when we get together to discuss each week we have different insights.

anyway, i have chosen john calvin's commentary on romans (www.forgottenbooks.org), and several weeks ago there were some amazing thoughts on romans 3:19-31 that i would like to share here. i'm sure you will see the recurring themes of human depravity, God's righteousness, and God's gift of reconciliation through faith alone. i hope these quotations will get your minds thinking and will humble your hearts over the Savior who sacrificed everything for your (and my) justification.

"...to be silent before the Lord is to tremble at his majesty, and to stand mute, being astonished at his brightness."

"And these two things - to be justified by works - and to be guilty of transgressions..., are wholly inconsistent the one with the other."

"...whosoever is found to be a sinner, is deprived of righteousness..."

"There is not other way of attaining righteousness; for some cannot be justified in this and others in that way; but all must alike be justified by faith, because all are sinners, and therefore have nothing for which they can glory before God."

"...since there remains nothing for men, as to themselves, but to perish, being smitten by the just judgment of God, they are to be justified freely through his mercy; for Christ comes to the aid of this misery, and communicates himself to believers, so that they find in him alone all those things in which they are wanting. There is, perhaps, no passage in the whole Scripture which illustrates in a more striking manner the efficacy of his righteousness; for it shows that God's mercy is the efficient cause, that Christ with his blood is the meritorious cause, that the formal or the instrumental cause is faith in the word, and that moreover, the final cause is the glory of the divine justice and goodness."

"This is the material, - Christ by his obedience satisfied the Father's justice (judicium - judgment,) and by undertaking our cause he liberated us from the tyranny of death, by which we were held captive; as on account of the sacrifice which he offered is our guilt removed. Here again is fully confuted the gloss of those who make righteousness a quality; for if we are counted righteous before God, because we are redeemed by a price, we certainly derive from another what is not in us."

"...nor is it a small commendation of God's grace that he, of his own good will, sought out a way by which he might remove our curse."

[referring to verse 25] "What Paul especially meant here is no doubt evident from his words; and it was this, - that God, without having regard to Christ, is always angry with us, - and that we are reconciled to him when we are accepted through his righteousness. God does not indeed hate in us his own workmanship, that is, as we are formed men; but he hates our uncleanness, which has extinguished the light of his image. When the washing of Christ cleanses this away, he then loves and embraces us as his own pure workmanship."

"for nothing is more difficult than to persuade man that he ought to disclaim all things as his own, and to ascribe them all to God."

"...God is just, not indeed as one among many, but as one who contains within himself all fullness of righteousness; for complete and full praise, such as is due, is not otherwise given to him, but when he alone obtains the name and the honor of being just, while the whole human race is condemned for injustice..."

"...for God by no means keeps his riches laid up in himself, but pours them forth upon men. Then the righteousness of God shines in us, whenever he justifies us by faith in Christ; for in vain were Christ given us for righteousness, unless there was the fruition of him by faith. It hence follows, that all were unjust and lost in themselves, until a remedy from heaven was offered to them."

"for faith receives all from God, and brings nothing except an humble confession of want."

baby Jesus

2009-12-25T00:41:00.003-05:00

it's christmas eve (well it's technically christmas, but since i haven't gone to bed and woken up, it's still christmas eve to me). anyway, this is totally irrelevant.

i was at church tonight at the christmas eve service, and one of the songs speculated regarding why Jesus came to earth as a baby. i don't remember the precise words of the song, but the reasoning put forth was something resembling the thought that Jesus came as a baby so that perhaps we could relate to him better. while this is an interesting thought, it seems lacking to me. i sat in the pew for a while pondering why i didn't like the message of the song. and here's what i've come up with...

it's not so much about our needing to relate to helpless baby Jesus, but more about His need (or perhaps desire is a better word) to exhibit total and complete humility. i mean, if you're God, what is more humiliating than coming to a marred, depraved planet and putting yourself in the position of having two marred, depraved humans responsible for providing for your EVERY need? seriously, from the beginning mary and joseph didn't do such a hot job...a feeding trough for a bed? ;-) and then to come not only as a human, but a helpless human who pretty much eats, sleeps, cries, and poops.

so of course, in a way there is a message here for people. Jesus can relate to us because he has been where we are, even the helpless baby state.

but it's more than that - i think Jesus' paying for the seriousness of our depravity required His being totally humiliated. our sin nature is SO BAD that not only did Jesus have to die, he had to be willing to humble himself. philippians 2:8 states, "And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death - even death on a cross." SO Jesus' status as a human (especially a baby human) naturally entailed His humbling Himself. Jesus' humbling Himself seems to be of great importance in the way He lived and the way He died, and subsequently His ability to offer a sacrifice sufficient for human salvation.

so why BABY Jesus? because BABY Jesus was completely humble and humiliated. and SAVIOR Jesus was completely humble and humiliated. and because of that, i am forgiven.

what a merry christmas indeed! IMMANUEL, GOD WITH US is here, alive, once humiliated, now exalted, an acceptable substitution for my guilt.

God's glory vs. worldly advice

2009-11-17T18:08:00.002-05:00

as many of you already know, i got engaged last week! i still don't think this news has totally sunk in, but i'm sure it will become more normal with each passing day.

anyway, i was talking to someone at work last week telling her the good news. she then proceeded to give me advice. she said i should beware of the bridesmaids, because they are usually in it for themselves and don't care what the bride wants. she then told me that the day is all about me, and i shouldn't care what the bridesmaids think and i should be prepared to stand up to them in order to get my way...because after all it's my day. i didn't know exactly how to respond, so i just nodded my head and mumbled some type of response and then tried to exit as quickly as possible.

there are several things i was thinking as i left her office. my first thought was "you have no idea how wonderful my friends are." i immediately felt blessed that God has placed wonderful people in my life who are not always thinking about themselves, and who understand that Jesus calls us to all lay down our own desires out of love for others.

my second thought was "you have no idea who my Jesus is!" it makes me sad that this coworker was basing her advice on several personal experiences in which the worldly norm was selfishness. it was obvious based on this short conversation that the parties involved in her wedding experiences were not allowing the Holy Spirit to work in their hearts and to let His glory shine through them in the ways they treated one another.

and my third thought was "IT'S NOT ABOUT ME!" it has always bugged me when people tell brides "it's your day, you should get whatever you want." (for this reason, i DETEST shows like "bridezilla"). i can't think of an example of a day that belongs to God more fully than a wedding day. first, God has ordained that the two parties become one, and HE did the work of bringing them together in the first place. second, the whole purpose of marriage is to set forth a picture of Jesus (the groom) uniting with the Church (His bride). so basically weddings (and marriages) are God's method of using people to project Jesus and to give us the closet analogy possible of Christ's love for the church. so yeah, it's not about me. i get to play an amazing part in the play, but i'm not the playwright. without the author, there is no story to act out. it's kinda like on "so you think you can dance." often times the choreographers get more props from the judges than the dancers, because without the choreographers there would be no dance for the dancers to execute.

in this wedding process, i am just a dancer following the steps of the LORD Of The Dance, hoping that my steps will bring glory to the One who created the dance and cast me in it. i hope that others who would be tempted to say "it's your day" will see that this is my heart, and will choose God's glory over worldly advice. it's His day, and i just want to make Him proud.

hosanna

2009-06-24T17:00:00.002-05:00

hello friends. i apologize that it has taken me so long to post another song - no good excuses other than crazy business. anyway, i hope this latest installment will help you in your worship experience. the song i picked to meditate upon today is "Hosanna" by hillsong united. i am not going to go through every phrase, but instead give a little background as to why the word "Hosanna" is so important and revealing. as many of you know, "Hosanna" is the word that the people shouted as Jesus entered jerusalem. this triumphal entry signified the beginning of Jesus' passion - or Jesus' path the the cross. matthew 21:9 states "The crowds that went ahead of him and those that followed shouted, 'Hosanna to the Son of David! Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord! Hosanna in the highest!'" according to wikipedia (i know, not scholarly, but often helpful), the greek word for "Hosanna" is "the cry of praise or adoration shouted in recognition of the Messiahship of Jesus." so when the people shouted "Hosanna" they were screaming out for all to hear that they believed Jesus to be the Messiah (which was a dangerous thing to be yelling in jerusalem, with all of the religious leaders looking for any excuse to squelch any claims of deity regarding Jesus). and yet there is another meaning for "Hosanna" that we also need to identify! the hebrew word for "Hosanna" (actually translated "Hoshana") means "please save" or "save now" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hosanna). so in this one little word, the people are shouting "YOU ARE MESSIAH...PLEASE SAVE ME NOW!" the people recognized who Jesus was, and at the same knew who they were before Him, and they saw their intense NEED for a Savior. so the next time you sing this song, think about what you are singing, and YELL TO JESUS who He is and who you are, and fall on your face (figuratively and/or literally) that who HE is is exactly what YOU NEED!

Hosanna

by Hillsong United

I see the king of glory  

Coming on the clouds with fire 

The whole earth shakes

I see his love and mercy  

Washing over all our sin 

The people sing 

Hosanna 

Hosanna in the highest  

I see a generation  

Rising up to take their place 

With selfless faith 

I see a near revival  

Stirring as we pray and seek 

We're on our knees 

Hosanna 

Hosanna in the highest 

Heal my heart and make it clean  

Open up my eyes to the things unseen 

Show me how to love like you have loved me  

Break my heart from what breaks yours 

Everything I am for your kingdom’s cause 

As I walk from earth into eternity 

Hosanna

Hosanna in the highest

breathe on me

2009-05-24T22:28:00.007-05:00

Breathe On Me

by Todd Fields, Christy Nockels, Nathan Nockels

Find me here, in this place - Son of God, Saving Grace

At this hour, all my days - breathe on me, breathe on me

Morning Star, shine Your light – as I walk through this life

God of power, God of might – breathe on me, breathe on me

Forever, You are my reason for living – Merciful Savior unending –

Breathe on me

When I'm weak, You are strong - Your breath in me will be my song

In You my King I belong – breathe on me, breathe on me

Forever, You are my reason for living – Merciful Savior unending –

Breathe on me

Forever, You are the God of my story - Write every line for Your glory -

Breathe on me

Breathe on me, Breathe on me

When I’m weak, You are strong – Your breath in me will be my song

When I’m weak, You are strong, You are strong

Genesis 2:7 states: "then the LORD God formed the man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living creature." And them Psalm 150:6 says, "Let everything that has breath praise the LORD! Praise the LORD!" So God created mankind, and breathed into us the breath of life, SO THAT we could turn around and praise Him! Isn't it amazing that our sole purpose in this life is to bring God glory, and yet we can't even do that unless He provides us the breath necessary to do so. He calls us to glorify Himself, and He enables us to glorify Himself!

I love all of the words of this song, but I especially love the line that states "Forever, You are the God of my story. Write every line for Your glory. Breathe on me." I want every singe line of my story to glorify God - and that will ONLY happen if He is the one writing the story. Lord, give me the breath I need in order to praise You. "When I'm weak, You are strong. Your breath in me will be my song." To God be the glory!

how He loves

2009-05-13T22:58:00.004-05:00

How He Loves

By John Mark McMillan

He is jealous for me

Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree

Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.

When all of a sudden,

I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,

And I realize just how beautiful You are,

And how great Your affections are for me.

Oh, how he loves us so

Oh, how he loves us,

How he loves us so.

Yeah he loves us, oh how he loves us

Oh, how he loves us

Oh how he loves

So he is our portion and we are his prize

Drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes,

If grace is an ocean we're all sinking.

So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,

And my heart turns violently inside of my chest.

I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way...

Yeah he loves us, oh how he loves us

Oh, how he loves us

Oh how he loves

i'm not going to go into a lot of detail on this one, because the words are so powerful i think we all just need to spend some time sitting on them, meditating over them, and letting Jesus move our hearts through them. however, there are a few things i definitely want to cover.

i think the most important thing for us to identify here is the wording in the very first line, which states "He is jealous FOR me." i want to be very clear here that there is a MAJOR difference in God being jealous FOR us versus His being jealous OF us. sadly, it was a confusion of this difference that was the first domino in a string of experiences that led our dear friend oprah to ultimately deny Christ. (if you are interested in hearing oprah talk about this, go here. you can watch the whole clip, but the part about God's jealousy starts at 2 minutes, 50 seconds). God is NOT jealous OF us. God's supreme purpose in the world is to bring glory to himself - there is nothing about us that would make Him jealous. He is holy, and we are filthy...God is most definitely NOT jealous OF us. but praise God that He is jealous FOR us! God loves us SO MUCH that He passionately pursues us. He is jealous FOR our love, allegiance, obedience, faithfulness, worship, praise...the list could go on and on! Jesus is so jealous FOR us that He took on our sin so that we could be in relationship with Him! He is so jealous FOR us that He bought us with His very life! He is so jealous FOR our praise that He commands our worship, and He commands that we lay down our lives for Him as He laid down His life for us.

after the first line, the rest of the song just gives us amazingly vivid pictures of the intensity of His passionate love toward us. can't you just see His love as a hurricane, blowing at you so violently that you bend and sway and feel like you might break? that's the intensity of His love! and the thought of grace being such a deep, vast ocean that we are all sinking? and the image of heaven meeting earth like a sloppy wet kiss, a kiss so passionate that your heart beats violently inside your chest...

HE LOVES US, OH HOW HE LOVES US!!! Praise Jesus that He is jealous FOR me!

God of justice

2009-05-06T17:15:00.003-05:00

God of Justice

By Tim Hughes

God of Justice, Savior to all

Came to rescue the weak and the poor

Chose to serve and not be served

Jesus, You have called us

Freely we’ve received

Now freely we will give

To act justly everyday

Loving mercy in everyway

Walking humbly before You God

You have shown us, what You require

Now freely we will give

We must go live to feed the hungry

Stand beside the broken

We must go

Stepping forward keep us from just singing

Move us into action

We must go

Fill us up and send us out

Fill us up and send us out Lord

since i started these worship song posts with my favorite song, i figured i would follow with my second favorite song! "God of justice" could not be a more perfect anthem for the upcoming chrysalis weekend, being that our verse is micah 6:8, which reads "He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God" (ESV).

my church is currently going through a series on the book of mark, and last sunday the sermon was from mark 2. the pastor summed up the first part of mark by stating "JESUS DID STUFF." and that's what this verse (and this song) is all about. Jesus came to rescue the weak and the poor. He came not looking to be served, but to be a servant. Jesus showed mercy and justice to those who were abused and abandoned by everyone else (including the religious people of the day).

my favorite part of the song is the chorus, which states "pressing forward, keep us from just singing, move us into action." this is a calling and a challenge to us all. JESUS DID STUFF...SO WE SHOULD TOO! all too often we think that worship is just singing songs. but worship is my life, and worship is your life! if we just sing a few songs and then do nothing, then we are not truly worshipping. speaking or singing words out of lazy, insincere hearts makes for a very out-of-tune chorus rising up toward heaven but instead smacking against the ceiling.

revelation song

2009-05-02T20:32:00.004-05:00

for the past month or so i've been collecting songs for the upcoming chrysalis retreat at which i am heading up the music team. i have already spent numerous hours sifting songs, making cds for the team, finding lyrics and chords, assembling notebooks, etc. as i was searching for lyrics and chords last night and playing through songs, i realized that it would be an awful shame if i spent countless hours with these songs, but didn't let the lyrics truly speak to me. there is so much truth packed into these songs, and i would be doing myself, the chrysalis team, the students on the retreat, and ultimately my Savior a disservice if i lead these songs without putting thought into every word and aligning my heart with the heart of worship presented in them. so, i figure it is appropriate to begin with what is currently my very favorite song. i will first include the lyrics to the song, and then i will write a little about how they speak to me.

revelation song

by gateway worship

Verse

Worthy is the Lamb who was slain. Holy, holy is He.

Sing a new song to Him who sits on Heaven's Mercy Seat

Clothed in rainbows, of living color.

Flashes of lightening, rolls of thunder.

Blessing and honor, strength and glory and power be,

To You, the only wise King.

Filled with wonder, awestruck wonder,

At the mention of Your Name.

Jesus, Your Name is power, breath and living water.

Such a marvelous mystery.

Holy, Holy, Holy is The Lord, God Almighty.

Who was and is and is to come.

With all creation I sing, "Praise to The King of Kings,"

You are my everything. And I will adore You

there is NO WAY i can say here everything this song means to me, so i'll go for a few highlights. the first verse begins by proclaiming that the Lamb is worthy and holy. it proclaims God's holiness, but then also declares that the Lamb is sitting on "heaven's mercy seat." what a beautiful picture this is for us! the Lamb is holy. because God is holy He cannot be in the presence of sin. however, this song depicts Christ as sitting on "heaven's mercy seat," and not "heaven's judgement seat." this is the beauty of the gospel. Jesus died so that the "judgement seat" can be satisfied and the "mercy seat" can be utilized.

the second verse beautifully depicts the splendor of the Lamb. He is clothed in rainbows, and He has lightning bolts at His fingertips! as one who has been forgiven through the mercy of the Lamb, i need to never forget his power, might, and splendor. seriously - clothed in rainbows? how can i even imagine that!?!?!

the third verse tells of my right response to the mercy of the Lamb, as well as his holiness, honor, splendor, and power. the correct response is for me to be filled with "awestruck wonder" at the very mention of His name! His name is power, breath, living water, and the most marvelous mystery ever imagined! i am ashamed of the numerous times His name is mentioned, and my first response is not to be filled with awestruck wonder. praise Jesus that He is still sitting on the mercy seat!

and finally the chorus - there isn't much i can add that isn't already there. Jesus is the Holy One, who was, and is, and is yet to come. with all creation i sing praises to the King of Kings, who is my EVERYTHING. i want my life to proclaim my adoration to the perfect Lamb as i eagerly await for my Savior, who is clothed in rainbows of living color, to appear with flashes of lightning and rolls of thunder! praise Jesus! AMEN!

coming...

2009-04-28T21:36:00.002-05:00

so i’ve been reading through the Bible chronologically since last august. some parts have been amazing, as I have been journeying through with a group of incredible friends. toward the beginning of the study we were posting comments and questions, and really digging in together and going deeper. and then there was more old testament, and more old testament, and minor prophet after minor prophet…and i know i speak for more than just myself when i say it was draining! a month or two ago i made a comment to benjamin saying something resembling, “man, i can’t wait to be in the new testament!” and he made a wonderful connection. he pointed out that we get weary and bogged down when we are “stuck” in the old testament for 8 or 9 months. and yet if we feel that way in a "post-Jesus" world, imagine what it was like for those “pre-Jesus” people to be waiting, and hoping, and praying, and believing that someday Messiah would come and bring life and hope and freedom! the anticipation has built for me over the past week, as i could see on my schedule that the new testament (and more importantly Jesus) was coming soon. and then something john calvin said made this hit me even harder. in his commentaries on mark 1, he stated “In order to inflame the minds of his people with a stronger desire of the promised salvation, the Lord had determined to leave them, for a time, without new prophecies. We know that the last of the true and lawful prophets was Malachi.”

i read the book of malachi in a day, and then a day later i read about Jesus. the israelites read malachi, and then experienced silence for 400 years. imagine the anticipation…the longing…the hoping…the praying…the seeking…the doubting…the deafening silence. if i can long for Jesus (who i already have living in me), how much more did they long for him, and how much more astounding the anthem when all of a sudden, he burst onto the scene? and sadly many of them missed Messiah altogether. i pray that as i dig into the life of the Messiah, the long awaited One, that i will tap into that glimpse of longing that has tugged at me, and i will be perpetually grateful for the coming Messiah, WHO IS ALREADY HERE!!! the yearning and groaning for redemption is satisfied, the wait is over, and JESUS is HERE!!!

challenge

2008-05-04T22:15:00.002-05:00

so i have been receiving monthly newsletters from Voice of the Martyrs (VOM) for quite some time now - i think ever since high school. it is so easy here in america, surrounded by comfortable things, and spoiled with all of our american freedoms, to completely forget or overlook the suffering that Christian brothers and sisters around the world are experiencing. for that reason i am extremely grateful for the little reminder that arrives in the mail every month in the form of a newsletter, as well as weekly e-mail updates from VOM that land in my inbox. tonight i began to read through some of the articles and stories, and i was overcome with the experiences of these courageous believers who love Jesus SOOOOO much.

but what really astounded me were several of the letters in the "VOM Mail" secion that were written in to VOM and published in the latest issue. one person wrote, "Stop the ruse. You are just another predatory business taking advantage of the gullibility of people. There is no such thing as Christian persecution..."
another person wrote, "You guys are kidding, right? 'Christians' attempt to impose their beliefs ('proselytize') in someone else's country, something tragic happens, and these are martyrs? Aren't you taking this Jesus complex a little far? ... Perhaps these people should consider that where they are going is populated by human beings just like themselves, with their own beliefs and ways of doing things, and respect them as they themselves wish to be respected. ... You should be ashamed - this kind of reasonless propaganda does not help anyone or anything, save your own pompous self-righteousness."

my roommate teasingly asked if these are the same people who don't believe the holocaust ever happened. while i could spend paragraphs steaming over comments like these, i believe they stand on their own as a statement of how far away people are from God. the bubble that encompases americans (and others who are removed from the persecution) is large, and it is shielding people from reality. (or perhaps people are just refusing to look at all. you don't need a bubble if you eyes are squeezed shut). the persecution is real, and it is happening all over the world. how do i know? for one i've read too many stories not to believe them. but even putting that aside, Jesus PROMISED there would always be persecution. His gospel is offensive to men who refuse to submit to a real, live, objective, holy, just God. so why are we surprised when people hate those who bring the message? the persecution will eventually be in our backyard too. if you can't see the changing climate even in our "free" country, then look closer. we won't always be able to keep our eyes squeezed shut, attempting to block out reality.

but anyway, that's not the point of this blog. the reason i'm writing is to challenge myself, and to challenge anyone who might read this, to do something about the persecution our brothers and sisters are experiencing. i will be the first to confess that i often don't do even the little things that i could to make a difference. but i want to try harder, and there are several things we can do even from our own sofas in america. of course we can always pray. and we can pray intentionally and specifically. check out www.persecution.com, www.PrisonerAlert.com, www.ChinaAid.org, and www.persecution.com/chinareport for up-to-date info on Christians who are facing persecution and imprisonment as we speak. but we can do more than just pray - we can write letters. at www.PrisonerAlert.com you can write letters to imprisoned believers, watch it translate the letter right in front of you, print it out, and mail it! can you write one letter a day? one letter a week? one letter a month? VOM reports that sometimes numerous letters from the US prompt prisoners to be realeased earlier than expected.

my question to myself is this - how can i claim to be a follower of Christ, and yet fail to do something as simple as writing a letter to a believer who is suffering for the same Jesus i claim to love so much? i think the only response i can give is to just shut up and write. so that's the challenge i'm giving myself. will you join with me???

dumbfounded

2008-04-23T21:30:00.003-05:00

so it has been nearly a year since i last blogged. i guess once i started working and i had a computer in front of me for 8 hours a day at work, it've had an increasingly hard time making myself spend time on the computer in the evenings. however, i am finding that i miss having an outlet, especially intellectually, since writing/communicating is largely how i hash out the thoughts and questions that are always swimming around in my brain. so i am going to try to renew my posts.

in the past few months i have attended two incredible conferences. in november i attended the nationl conference on christian apologetics, and in march i attended the national conference on spiritual discernment. after the second conference i briefly looked into seminary costs (and quickly determinded that i cannot afford seminary at the present time - especially with my extensive grad school loans). both conferences served to spark intellectual desires and passions in me that i have deeply missed since graduating from erskine. most importantly they reminded me that, even though i am not presently enmeshed in the academic world, i still have an overwhelming need and responsibilty to be able to rationally support my faith in Jesus Christ, and to support it well.

tonight my roommate and i went to see the ben stein movie "Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed." (http://www.expelledthemovie.com/)
First, let me say if you haven't seen it YOU NEED TO! the gist of the movie is that the scientific community is intensely persecuting anyone who even suggests intelligent design as an alternative to or even an explanation of darwinian evolution. there is so much content in the movie that it would be impossible to skim the surface here, but there is piece i would like to mention here. toward the end of the film ben stein sits down with contemporary atheist richard dawkins, author of the abhorent book the god delusion. stein poses the question to dawkins regarding how the first building blocks of life got here, and he states that nobody knows how it really all began. he then goes on to say something to the effect of some other intelligent entity somewhere else in the universe evolved itself, and then "seeded" the building blocks of life onto earth. (basically, he believes aliens beamed un-evolved amoebas to earth and then the evolutionary process began). and he believes that his view is more plausible than the possibility that God, an uncaused cause, an uncreated creator, intelligently wove us together for a specifice purpose? and he thinks proponents of intelligent design are "idiots"? my roomate (erin) and i tossed this idea around, and it seems so obvious to us that people all around us (dawkins included) want so badly to belive that there is no objective Creator that they are not only willing to believe that aliens beamed our "ancestors" down to earth, but they are willing to state this belief as fact and then to persecute anyone who disagrees with them. they are fighting so hard to see what is right in front of them, that they concoct outrageous explanations, package them as science, and "crucify" anyone who dares to posit a different option. why? becasue their hearts are depraved and wicked, and to admit that there is an intelligent designer means to admit that there is a reality apart from ourselves that we are subject to. the potter creates the pot, and then uses the pot for his own purpses. the painter paints the picture and then does with it as he wills. the watchmaker engineers the watch and sets in into motion, and then uses it for the purpose he intented it. (thanks to william paley for the wonderful watch anaolgy. check him out for an intriging argument from design for the existence of God). if there is a Creator, then his subjects must answer to Him. and because people don't want to answer to the Creator, they would rather believe in aliens "seeds" and masquerade around as almighty scientists.

this is dumbfounding to me. i look at the sky, and i see design. i look at the hills, and i see design. i look at myself, and i see design. i look at scientific order and laws, and i see design. i look at the moral code written on my heart, and i see design, purpose, and CALLING. and that is what REALLY amazes me. yeah, i am a product of design. but God didn't just design me and leave me. he CALLED me. he drew me. he wooed me. he DIED for me! he isn't just an intelligent designer - he is a LOVER. a lover of my dead, depraved heart. i am dumbfounded at those who refuse to accept this, and i am dumbfounded at a God who STILL pursues us in spite of our unbelief. to GOD be the GLORY!!!

2007-06-06T15:15:00.002-05:00

employment

2007-06-05T14:32:00.001-05:00

quick update -

i am now employed as the clinical coordinator at the carolina children's home. i work in a cottage with twelve boys. today is my third day on the job, my supervisor is out on vacation, and i have not been through orientation yet, SO i am pretty cluesless as to what i'm actually supposed to do. i have read through all of the boys' case files, and i have started meeting with the boys individually just to get to know them a little bit. i guess next week the real training will start. once my life gets stabalized, i will hopefully be able to resume my musings about the process of my life and my ever-so-slow holy disappearance.

prayer request - i am searching for a new church. please pray that God will lead me to the perfect place - a place where i can not only be served but can use my gifts to serve the body as well.

craziness

2007-04-29T14:56:00.001-05:00

i know it's been forever, but you're just going to have to wait a little longer for an in-depth update on my life. in the meantime, thought i'd give you the nut-shell version . . .

school - FINISHED!

graduation - 2 weeks away

currently - packing up apartment

plans - move across town, stay in columbia, get a job

in case you haven't heard - i am not going to iraq in the fall. lots went into my decision not to go,
but i do feel confident that this was the right choice. i am not saying "no" to the opportunity
for forever, but just for now. i know some of you may be disappointed at this news, but rest
assured that this was not a rash decision and much agonizing prayer went into it. i will update
you more thoroughly whenever i get the chance.

pray for - the job interview i have on wednesday (May 2) at a children's home

much love to all :-)

money

2007-03-28T19:19:00.000-05:00

i was eating dinner at a chinese buffet last night. i lost my keys, and my roommate wasn't going to be home until later to let me in the house, so i had to kill some time somewhere. so i was sitting alone and studying for a test. as is usually the case when you're trying to study, they sat me close to the register so i could easily hear every conversaion that took place between the cashier and the customers. (and since i'm a people watcher anyway, of course i'm going to listen and observe). one man went to check out, and i could quickly tell that he was a regular customer. the incredibly friendly chinese woman who was checking him out asked about his child (who was not with him this particular time). she asked how he was doing, how old he was, and if he stayed at daycare while his parents were at work. the man replied that the child did stay in daycare because both he and his wife had to work. and this is where it gets interesting - the woman blurted out "how much you pay for that?" i couldn't believe my ears. my first thought was "how dare she ask him how much he pays for daycare? that's private!" and then i was surprised that the man answered her.

he paid, said goodbye, and left. and as i sat there a realization washed over me. why on earth do we think it's such a bad thing to discuss money? the chinese woman merely wanted to know how much he paid because she was thinking about putting her daughter in daycare (i learned this from the next sentence or two of their conversation). the man didn't miss a beat, and simply continued the conversation. but i wonder what most americans would have done if she asked them that question? what would i have done?

i wonder if we're so private about our money because somwhere, deep down inside, we know we have way too much of it. i mean, why would we care if people asked us how much we spent on specific things like daycare (or car payments, or phone bill, etc. etc. etc.) unless we were ashamed of the amount and knew it was way too high? when i get a great deal on something (like the ipod i got for about $20), i don't mind telling people. in fact, i tell everyone. if someone compliments a shirt my response is usually "thanks, i got it for three dollars!" but when i've spent a lot on something, of course i don't tell how much it cost. after my experience in the chinese restaurant, i do wonder if it's because i'm ashamed to have things that are expensive, and somewhere deep down i know i don't have the right to spend that much money on myself.

so i'm still mulling over this experience and what it really means. beware next time you go to a chinese restaurant, because God might just teach you something about yourself, your culture, and Him.

movies

2007-03-12T00:27:00.000-05:00

when i was a freshman in college, my best friend convinced me that i HAD to read this book called The Sacred Romance. i've since read it a few times, helped to lead a Bible study on it, and taught semiars to youth about it a few summers ago. guess it had somewhat of an impact on me ;-) the book talks about how the deepest part of every heart connnects with stories because God created us not only to love stories, but to actually be a massivly amazing, scary, infinite, cosmic story. the book really explains why our hearts connnect with stories, and why when we hear a good story we long to play an active role in the plot. no kid really wants to merely watch a movie - the movie captivates the child because the child wants to be IN the movie. we don't want to watch the hero - we want to BE the hero! being a spectator in a resuce isn't enough - we want to BE the one who is rescued. movies are stories, and movies speak to the deepest yearnings of our hearts.

tonight i went to see the movie Amazing Grace with my parents. i am deeply moved. the movie is about william wilberforce, the man who fought for the abolition of the slave trade in great britain for many years against great opposition, to see his efforts finally pay off after a lifetime of struggle. i wish i could go back and pause the movie so i could write down all of the incredible quotes . . . but since i can't maybe you'll just hafta go see the movie if you haven't already. i'm struggling to synthesize exactly what i want to write here, but i'll take a stab at a few things. i can't get over the "coincidence" that everywhere i've turned over the past two months i've seen signs of radical revolutionaries. i mostly don't believe in coincidence - i think it's the world's explanation of providence. so i guess God's trying to get my attention. as i watched the movie, i wanted so badly to BE william wilberforce (well, a few centuries later and without the curly wig). but you know what i mean - i want to actually make a difference in the world like he did. and then it kinda hit me while i was watching - he gave his entire life to the fight. it didn't happen quickly. it took a long time. and he gave up along the way (for a little while at least). but then he fought again, and he fought harder, even when he was sick and in pain. being a revolutionary isn't a phase that you can hang out in for a little while until something better comes along.

another thing that really hit me in the movie was toward the beginning. william (who is a Christian) is trying to choose between living for God (and going into vocational ministry) or remaining in politics and fighting for social justice. a really wise person (i don't remember which one in the movie) asked why he couldn't do both. i think that's an amazing question. why not? why do so many Christians feel like they have to choose between faith and action? i think that question shoud be taken a step further - no only "why not do both?" but "why on earth would we not do both?" as Christians we are called to fight against injustice. if we do so, are we not devoting ourselves to Christ? Christ stood up for people that others never even acknowledged. as i have studied social work i have become increasingly convinced that Jesus was a social worker of sorts. He cared about poor people, widows, orphans, slaves, smelly fishermen, and homeless guys (he traveled with 12 homeless guys for 3 years)! when we see things in this world that are messed up because of sin (and everything that is messed up is a result of sin), if we have the means to do somehting about it why wouldn't we? maybe it's because we're tying so hard not to see, because we know once we see we'll be obligated because of our relationship with Christ to do something about the injustices in our world.

social action is inconvenient. it takes LOTS of time, and most activists hit brick walls way more often then they make it over them. but as shane claiborne would say, if things are going smoothly then something must be wrong. hitting a brick wall is a sign you're running in the right direction. if you keep running hard enough, maybe you'll eventually break through (or find a way over, under, or around the wall). all i know is that i don't want to give up just because something looks impossible. i want to be like william wilberforce.

one room

2007-03-03T22:09:00.000-05:00

the irresistible revolution is messing up my life. (and i say that in the best sense of the word ;-) i am challenged beyond comprehension everytime i read. as i was reading last tuesday night, i had an idea. you know how sometimes ideas flitter around in your head and then fly right back out? well that hasn't been the case with this one. i think it's stuck in my head, and i'm trying to figure out what to do with it.

let me give you a little background from the book, and then i'll tell you the idea. shane claiborne states: "It just makes sense not to have families on the street or in abandoned houses, especially when we have a spare bedroom"(p.193). a little later, he states: "It is much more comfortable to depersonalize the poor so we don't feel responsible for the catastrophic human failure that results in someone sleeping on the street while people have spare bedrooms in their homes . . . When we get to heaven, we will be separated into those sheep and goats Jesus talks about in Matthew 25 based on how we cared for the least among us. I'm just not convinced that Jesus is going to say, 'When I was hungry, you gave a check to the United Way and they fed me,' or, 'When I was naked, you donated clothes to the Salvation Army and they clothed me.' Jesus is not seeking distant acts of charity. He seeks concrete acts of love: 'you fed me...you visited me in prison...you welcomed me into your home...you clothed me'"(p.158).

i've also been thinking a lot about the church, and about how we're majorly falling down on our job. so i was wondering how we could begin to actually BE the church that we're commanded to be - the kind of church that cares for widows and orphans, feeds the poor, and actually sacrifices in order to show our neighbors that we love them. and the idea was born . . .

"ONE ROOM." that's what i'm calling the idea. maybe one day it'll be an organization, or an agency, or a movement. here's the vision - to go into churches, teach about Christ's love for the least of our neighbors, and to encourage the church to actually take up the cross we keep dropping merely because it is inconvenient. what if, in a congregation of 100 families, all having at least one spare bedroom, 2 or 3 would BE the church and let a single mom, a lonely old man, or a suffering family bring life to that spare room. what if 10 families would rise to the challenge? what if half of the families would decide to actually BE the church? what would those families look like? what would that church look like? can you imagine it? people really sharing, and people really having things in common? maybe it doesn't sound very american, but i think it sounds EXTREMELY Christian. IF Christ had a house (which He never did) do you think He would ever go to bed at night if there was an empty bed on the other side of the room and someone homeless a few block away?

so the vision is one for the church - a vision to challenge and empower spoiled americans to offer their rooms to cold, lonely, hungry people. maybe "One Room" doesn't sound like enough to make a difference, but if people throughout a church, a town, a city, a state, a counrty would ALL offer just one little room, imagine the impact! it would not only change the face of povety, but it would change the face of the church. the early church was swarming with poor people. Jesus LOVES poor people! so why are they missing from many of our churches? i bet if we invited them into our homes they would follow us to church!

let me know what you think. can you see the vision? it seems too big for me (but i guess God has never really asked me to do anything that i could ACTUALLY do by myself). maybe if some other people caught the vision too . . .

sleep

2007-02-17T20:49:00.000-05:00

i'm going to have to stop reading at night, because i'm having trouble falling asleep. maybe if i would read boring books, or books that numb my mind instead of switching it into overdrive, i'd be ok. but that's not what i've found myself reading the past few weeks. i'm pretty much reading books about revolutions, which definitely don't lull my mind into dreamworld. as i mentioned a few posts ago, i've been reading blue like jazz for a while now. i'm almost done - i think i have 3 chapters left.

if that isn't enough to get my brain sensors firing, i've been reading this book call revolutionary generosity. it's by this guy who has 3 children, and all of them are in full-time ministry. his daughter did medical missions in the sudan and narrowly escaped death. one of his sons is still in the sudan, and plans to be there for a long time. he records the stories of Christians all over the country of sudan who have either seen family members and Christian brothers and sisters killed for their faith, or churches that have been burned down, etc. his job is to make sure ALL of their stories are recorded, and everyday he risks his life to record the stories of the saints in sudan.

and then i just started reading the irresistible revolution. as if the other two books weren't radical enough, i had to go and get myself hooked on this one. (i really just have some incredible friends back home to thank for that - you know who you are ;-) lindsay told me when i started reading it that i should "be prepared to feel uncomfortable" and she was SO right. if you can read that book on a soft sofa in a heated apartment without feeling uncomfortable, there's something wrong with you. i really just want to hop in my car, drive to the nearest "community" (read the book and you'll know what i'm talking about), and move in.

so when i read these books at night, my mind races with thoughts and ideas and deep longings that i can't really explain to anyone who doesn't know what i mean, and for those who do there's no need explaining. last week it took me over an hour to fall asleep one night beacause i just couldn't shut my brain down. it reminds me of when i was a teenager. i used to lie on my top bunk trying to keep things as dark as i could so my sister wouldn't yell at me for keeping her awake. i even made her a curtian with blankets so i could keep the light on longer. i would read my Bible and read Chrisian magazines and write in my journal and pray . . . and i could stay awake for hours just thinking and wondering and praying and crying about how i wanted my life to count for something. then i went to college, and since then the nights have been few and far between when i didn't fall asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. not that falling asleep easily is a bad thing, but i have somewhat missed the rapid-firing of brain cells when i'm "supposed" to be in dreamland. the bad thing is, it's not so great if i fall asleep during the day because my brain wouldn't shut down at night. so maybe i'll read some nights, and get some sleep others. what i do know is that my brain feels alive, and my heart feels alive in a way it hasn't in a while. it's a good feeling, like i'm on the brink of some amazing revolution, and just like i prayed for as a teenager, i'm hoping God will use me in the revolution so that my life will count for something - not for my own glory, but for my own disappearance in Christ and His revolutionary plans.

safety

2007-02-03T23:47:00.000-05:00

why are americans obsessed with safety? i really think the heart of the "american dream" is safety. our comfort depends on living in a safe neighborhood, driving a safe enough car that has a high enough crash test rating, walking downtown at a safe enough distance from the homeless people that might be along a certain path, and the list could go on and on. everything we do must be safe. as some of you already know (and some may not) i am currently in the process of applying to spend a year in northern iraq with the kurds (more to come later). over the past few weeks people have asked me lots of questions, but the most popular seems to be along the lines of "why would you go there? it's not safe. there are guns and stuff." so i guess people in unsafe places don't need to hear about Jesus? is that how it works? i could be wrong, but it might be that telling people in the "unsafe" places about Jesus should be the church's top priority. don't get me wrong, safety is a blessing and God grants safety to His children SOMETIMES. but how can i, just because i was born in America, believe that safety is my right? i have Christian brothers and sisters all over the world who have never known what it means to be safe. how can i refuse to join them in the name of safety if i feel God is calling me to go? Jesus' closest friends, the ones who traveled with Him, the ones He chose to begin the work of reaching the nations, His beloved apostles - they renounced their own saftey the minute they chose to proclaim the reality of the risen Messiah. and all of them except one died for their Messiah (and they didn't die "safe" deaths). Paul was beaten numerous times and should have died long before he actually did. from the time he encountered Jesus on the road to damascus until the time he died, i don't think he was ever safe.

my mind is racing with much more on this topic, but perhaps the best thing to do is to refer to good ole c.s. lewis. he answers the question i've been asking myself about whether or not God really values safety with words from a few talking beavers. so here goes the conversation from "the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe":

Mr. Beaver: "...Aslan is a lion - the Lion, the great Lion."

Susan: "I'd thought he was a man. Is he - quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion."

Mrs. Beaver: "That you will, dearie, and no mistake, if there's anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they're either braver than most or else just silly."

Lucy: "Then he isn't safe?"

Mr. Beaver: "Safe, don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe?
'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."

so if my Jesus isn't safe, how can i expect that i should be safe? He in fact has promised that life with Him won't be safe. but it surely will be good! like mr. beaver said, "who said anyting about safe?" but i know for sure life with Christ is good, and i want to follow that goodness nomatter where it leads.

tears

2007-01-21T22:16:00.000-05:00

i cried tonight. i cried when i told my 10th grade discipleship group that i feel God is calling me to spend a year in northern iraq. i cried when i talked to them about the concept of sacrifice. i cried when i talked about death, and that if we as christians are serious about this whole sacrifice thing, we MUST be willing to actually die. i cried when i read the part in blue like jazz when donald miller and his friends built a confession booth in the middle of thier Godless campus and confessed their own failures to live like Jesus to their peers. i cried at the part that says "But I could see it in Penny's face, and in Ivan's eyes, that this was what they wanted; they wanted to love these people, their friends, and it didn't matter to them what it cost."

our bible study lesson tonight was about the cost of worship. and i can't think of a bigger cost than laying down my pride and humbling myself before the world - not just Christ, not just other christians, but THE WORLD. after all, they're the ones with the problems, right? WRONG! i mean, of course they have problems, but they also don't have Jesus. kinda ironic how, because i do have Jesus, i also end up with this pride issue. i think because i have Him, i'm somehow better. but i'm pretty sure the bible says Jesus saves the ones who are the most messed up. that way when the world looks at the "fixed" ones of us, it's pretty obvious we didn't have anything to do with the fixing.

so why is it that over the past few weeks i've felt forced to pray the prayers that i've been fighting against for so long? i mean, who wants to pray to be flattened by humility? i surely don't. but the CHRIST IN ME is jumping at the opportunity. so i guess i'll add humility to ever-deveolping list. after all, if i'm ever going to wholly disappear, i'll have to do it on my face before the throne of the Light of the World.

i'll close with a few lyrics from matt redman. this pretty much says it all. join me in praying to be humbled as never before.

"i lift You high and bow down low
how high can You be, how low can i go
You must increase, i must decrease Lord
i'll bow down and You will be adored"

purpose

2007-01-18T14:22:00.000-05:00

i've been reading Blue Like Jazz for a while now. it's taking a while, but i'm slowly chugging along. but i think everything happens for a reason. why haven't i already finished reading the book? maybe because i'm supposed to read specific chapters at specific times when i'm going through specific things, because God knows what i need to read and when i need to read it. kinda like reading the Bible. sometimes i get to passages i've read a million times, but for some reason the words jump off the page at me THIS time as if i've never REALLY read them before. and so goes Blue Like Jazz.

i was reading a few nights ago, and these words really hit me hard. i'll quote them here for your knowledge/pleasure/enjoyment.

"I understand that I am temporary, in this shell of a thing on this dirt of an earth. I am being tempted by Satan, we are all being tempted by Satan, but I am preserved to tell those who do not know about our Savior and our Redeemer. This is why Paul had no questions. This is why he could be beaten one day, imprisoned the next, and released only to be beaten again and never ask God why. He understood the earth was fallen. He understood the rules of Rome could not save mankind, that mankind could not save itself; rather, it must be resuced, and he knew that he was not in the promised land, but still in the desert, and like Joshua and Caleb he was shouting, 'Follow me and trust God!'"

why did this hit me? maybe it's the whole concept of purpose. i think i fool myself into believing that i'm on this earth for all kinds of crazy, glorious reasons. but really, God only sustains my life for one reason - to accomplish HIS purpose of rescuing fallen mankind (and of course bringing glory to Himself through the rescuing). that's it! when i cease to be useful in God's plan of redemption, my sole purpose in this world will be gone! so what does this mean for my life? at passion '07 heather mercer talked about "wasting your life" for the glory of God. ultimately, i think she has it figured out! because when God grabs hold of a life and seizes it for His goal of redeeming a fallen world and bringing glory to His own name, what God does with that life will probably look like a waste to most people. even other Christians will probably say things like, "isn't that wasting your talent?" or "aren't there other ways God can use you" or "why risk endangering your life when you can do much more for God if you're alive." REALLY? does God only use people when they're alive? ok- don't think i'm saying that God would rather see you dead than alive, but i AM saying that we can't presume to know God's will, and i believe there are many cases when God uses a death to accomplish His goal of the redemption of souls.

what does this mean for me? i wish i knew. but i do know that i need to focus more on what my life can contribute to God's goal of the redemption of mankind. and notice i said what MY LIFE can contribute, and not what I can contribute. what's the difference? it's not about what I can do for God, but it's about what HE can do with MY LIFE. if God's purpose for me is to live, and through my life to help bring about his glory in redemption, then great! i hope that's God's purpose for my life. but i think i also have to be willing to agree with paul that if God could use my death to bring about his glory in redemption, then it's His life to take. now THAT'S hard to say! my own self-preservation instincts are at war within myself, and it makes it even hard to type about being willing to die. but if i'm really devoted to God's glory and the redemption of men, i must be willing to lay it all down. i only hope that if God ever calls me to die, i will be willing. and in the meantime, as He's calling me to live, i must be willing to live in daily surrender, realizing that my life is His!

my heroes and the dance

2007-01-15T23:03:00.000-05:00

my roommate and i just finished watching season one of 24. (i know - we're slightly behind). as is the case with most of the population of america, i'm slightly obsessed. i found myself yelling at the tv when the season ended so unexpectedly, and i even made my roommate watch the first episode of season two with me because i just couldn't take the suspense. jack bauer is my hero.

speaking of heroes, i'm also an avid watcher of NBC's show "heroes." you better believe i'll be watching next monday when they FINALLY decide to tell us what happens next.

so you're probably wondering what this has to do with this blog, which is about my journey with God and my desire to disappear into His glory. it pretty much all boils down to heroes.

i'm reading this book called "the one year book of christian history." it is divided up into 365 daily readings about key figures in christian history. some are people i'm very familiar with. others are people i've never heard about before, and probably none of you have either. yesterday i read about this guy named walter l. wilson. he was a kansas city physician who lived in the late 1800 and early 1900's. i would like to include a prayer from the book that wilson lifted up to the Holy Spirit:

"My Lord, I have mistreated You all my Christian life. I have treated You like a servant .... I shall do so no more. Just now I give You this body of mine, from my head to my feet. I give You my hands, my limbs, my eyes and lips, my brian; all that I am within and without, I hand over to You for You to live in it the life that You please. You may send this body to Africa, or lay it on a bed with cancer .... It is Your body from this moment on. Help yourself to it ...." -walter l. wilson

this guy is a hero of mine. i just learned about him yesterday, but he is a hero. he was able to pray the prayer that i so desperately want to pray. what would it look like for me to give God COMPLETE control of my body - to take it to africa or infest it with cancer? this is a scary prayer! but if i ever want to truly disappear, this prayer is one that i'll have to not only pray, but really MEAN. why is it so hard to give God something that is already His? why am i so possessive of this shell i call home? He is breaking through. He's taking control. He's holding my hand as He softly prys the controls from my fingertips. soon i feel like i'll be spinning out of control - well at least out of MY control. but i guess "spinning out of contol" is more like a dance when God is leading. i don't know where the next step will be, but the Lord of the Dance knows. the spinning may seem aimless to me, but He has the steps mapped out. i just have to fall into His arms and be absorbed in the dance, the spinning, the loss of control on my part, the masterful gaining of control on His. am i ready? can i pray the prayer?

so i finally buckled . . .

2007-01-14T17:05:00.000-05:00

so i finally gave in to this whole blogging thing. funny how these things come about. i talked to my friend linda last night for a long time. we were talking about how God is grabbing hold of our hearts and showing us pretty radical stuff about Himself, His calling, and the ways we've been taught to live in America. i read her blog last night. it really spoke to where i am and pieces of what God has been jamming into my heart over the past few years. (yes, i did say YEARS). so i wrote a "comment" to one of her posts. i say "comment" because it was really more of an essay :-) so i figured since i had so much to say on linda's blog, maybe i should start my own.

so here i am. i've always been a journaler. but i've never written for others to read. maybe by sharing some of the radical things God is doing in my life, it will encourage someone, somewhere, somehow to embark with me on the journey i'm being sucked into. all i know is this world, this life, this mirage - there's more. if Jesus was sitting in my house right now, would He be happy with my contentment? would what i've "given up" so far be sufficient?

to my friends who are on this same journey, searching for the way to disappear into the revolution that is waiting to happen, i'm with you. i'm waiting to disappear. i want to disappear. i want to be a catalyst that sparks a flame and then fades into the background while the flame burns uncontrollably. and then i'll disappear as the fire rages.