darkness waiting for light

growing up southern baptist, liturgy wasn't something i knew much about. but "traditions" were something i learned a lot about...sitting in the same pew every week, following an "order of worship" that was virtually the same from week to week (just with different hymns or special music inserted in), participating in church conferences where people argued over wall colors, and so on. in college (and since), i've run further and further away from such "traditions," which to me seem stifling, often arbitrary, and frankly unnecessary if what really matters is fostering an intimate, personal relationship with Jesus. and so, for the most part, i flee from "traditional" church. i feel suppressed and inhibited by rote prayers and liturgy. and while i LOVE the advent wreath that inhabits the center of our dining room table (and the practice of lighting the candles each sunday leading up to christmas), i recently made the comment that this is about all the liturgy i can handle.  

and so i find myself being critical when i hear of people who refuse to sing christmas songs during advent, or who will only speak of waiting for the birth of Jesus prior to december 25 and will not celebrate the reality that He is already here. but over the past few days i have also been reminded of several things. first, it isn't a bad thing to really think about and ponder what it must have been like to wait, and wait, and wait for the Messiah...for centuries...often with no word or no prophecy or no murmur of when Jesus might finally come. second, as much as i STRONGLY believe that we are to celebrate the incarnation and what that means for humanity on a DAILY basis, it isn't right to act as if the current state of the world is redeemed. we are in the process of redemption, but that process isn't finished. and so we still wait...for Jesus to come (again), and for the full consummation of redemption to be fulfilled. 

and while i don't think it necessary to go so far as to refuse to sing "joy to the world" before december 25, the heart of that idea is meaningful. we do already have joy...but we don't have perfect joy. we do already have peace...but we don't have perfect peace. and we do have hope...which seems to entail that there is something we hope for. hope is something that we look toward...something in the future...something that we anticipate. and so, while i don't plan to put off celebrating the incarnation throughout the christmas season (and throughout the year), i do see value in recognizing and sitting in that tension of "already but not yet." we already have Jesus, but we have not yet seen the fulfillment of all that He has promised. we are no longer in darkness, but we have not seen the FULL light of His face. 

i was reading luke 1:78-79, where zechariah is prophesying regarding john preparing the way for Jesus, and he states: "because of the tender mercy of our God, whereby the sunrise shall visit us from on high to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, to guide our feet into the way of peace." i love the part about the sunrise visiting us from on high. this speaks to the anticipation that the night will give way to the day, and the sunrise will pierce through the darkness. mankind experienced this in part with the birth of Jesus. but we still await that future sunrise...the ultimate one...when Jesus will return and will eliminate even the tiniest hint of darkness in the farthest away corners. 

to those of you who are like me and who flee from tradition and liturgy, perhaps the biggest thing we need to guard against is becoming satisfied with the amount of Jesus we already have. while not rejoicing in our present salvation is wrong, rejoicing too much in how things are and consequently not longing for the hope of future redemption and full reconciliation is wrong as well. finding the balance between the two - that's the hard part. and that's where Jesus gives us freedom to figure out what works for us (so if you love liturgy and connect to Jesus through it, go for it!). for me, that means not worrying too much about religious traditions and liturgy, but yet participating in things (like lighting the advent wreath) that help me to focus on the "already but not yet" aspect of redemption. and for others, the practical applications are numerous. the important things is that, whatever it looks like for us as individuals, we live in the tension of a Savior who has already come, but also a Savior whose return we eagerly anticipate. 

thank you Jesus that you already came! and thank you Jesus that you've yet to come. for this, we wait in hopeful anticipation.      

sorrow and hope

ecclesiastes 3:1-4

“for everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance”

i was sitting in church on october 13, and the pastor was preaching from ecclesiastes 3. he spoke about how, although we all want to think we are in control of our lives, this is merely an illusion. there is a season for everything – including weeping and mourning – and we don’t get to pick when we go through these seasons. they are an inevitability. one phone call or conversation can change everything. i remember sitting in my chair that night thinking “i hope this sermon isn’t meant specifically for me.”

the next morning, on october 14, i experienced that “one conversation that changes everything.”

benjamin and i watched a sonogram screen as the sonographer zoomed in on our precious baby. the image will forever be burned into my mind. She said “there’s your baby,” and then there was silence. after a pause, she spoke the words that i had so greatly feared – and yet hoped i would never hear – “i’m looking really hard, but i can’t find a heartbeat.” those words hit us both like a ton of bricks. it was as if in that moment, all of our hopes were shredded to pieces. the image of our baby lingered on the screen – a baby that we will never have the privilege of knowing. 

although i was ten weeks pregnant that day, somehow the doctor was able to tell that our baby had died around eleven days earlier. so somewhere around october 3, our precious little one met Jesus face to face.

there were moments over the next few days that the grief felt so incredibly heavy. listening to benjamin sob on the phone as he tried to tell his mother was one of those moments. waking up from surgery the following day knowing that my baby’s body was no longer inside of mine was another such moment. at moments i still feel the overwhelming grief flood over me.

but even deeper than the grief, i cling to the goodness and the grace of a Heavenly Father who grieves with us and mourns with us, and who sees the big picture of eternity even when the tiny corner of the picture i’m seeing is blurred from tears.

right after we found out we were pregnant, benjamin wanted to get a journal so that we could write letters to our son or daughter. we wanted to document our hopes and dreams and prayers for our child, and we hoped that one day he or she would be able to read our words and know how deeply we had loved and cherished him or her.

in one of our conversations shortly after learning of the miscarriage, benjamin pointed out that the one main prayer that we had both prayed for our child – that he or she would come to know Jesus – had already come true. it is still hard for me to write this without tears in my eyes, because as much as i mourn the loss of this precious child, i am so incredibly grateful to know that he or she does know Jesus. i believe that Jesus knit our precious child together in my womb, and then spared him or her from the pain and brokenness of this world. in detailing my hopes for our child, i had written that i hoped he or she would be kind and self-sacrificing and compassionate toward others, but that this would also be extremely hard because it would require dying to his or her innate sin nature (which is only possible through Jesus). but the truth is that our child will never struggle to be these things. Jesus has already made things right for our baby.

when things like this happen, often times people ask “why me, God?” but i think this is the wrong question to ask. i think the more appropriate question to ask is “why not me, God?” the reason i believe this is the more appropriate question is because Scripture is clear that we are all broken, fallen, sinful, and depraved. we don’t deserve anything that is good, and we deserve everything that is bad. everything in my life that is good is completely undeserved – and there are SO many things in my life that are good. when trials come, i can know that trials are normal in this life of sin and brokenness. the fall has made it where the default button in life is sorrow. if God truly gave me what i deserve, i would get only bad things all of the time. but He is SO gracious. He gives good gifts to His children.  so it just doesn’t seem right to ask “why me?” when bad things happen, as if i actually deserve something better. when good things happen, i never ask “why me?” i seem to assume that i deserve such good things. but i don’t. God owes me nothing. and yet He gives me grace and hope and love and community. and when the sorrows of this world come rushing in, His grace sustains me, His arms hold me, and His peace consumes me. 

i believe with my whole heart that my life is not about me. my life is about Jesus. for some reason, He has allowed this particular sorrow to be a part of my story. i not only hope, but i fully believe, that in some way the loss of this child will bring glory and fame to Jesus. i don’t know how yet. but that’s just how Jesus works. this life is broken and messed up. but Jesus inserts Himself in it. He left Heaven to inhabit this world. and He made a way for broken people to join His family. He is working to restore what has been broken. but the restoration isn’t yet complete. and so we live in the anticipation that one day, everything will be made right.

while my arms ache to hold my precious baby, i know that he or she is in much bigger, better, stronger arms tonight. while i mourn for myself, and for benjamin (who will one day make such an amazing dad), and for the many others who already loved this child along with us, i am under no illusion that we could have given this child a better home than he or she now already has. i can’t compete with the arms of Jesus.

so to my precious child, i love you and i miss you, but i will see you soon. as king david said regarding his child who died, you can’t come to me, but one day i’ll come to you (2 samuel 12:23). so enjoy Jesus. soak up His love for you. rest in His peace. and know that you are blessed beyond measure.

as for me, as i continue to trust in the goodness of God, i will echo the words of job: “The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” (job 1:21b)   

Jesus, You are worthy of praise. Jesus, You deserve my worship. Jesus, You are good. Jesus, You are more than enough for me.

Jesus, in the midst of sorrow, You are my hope.

END IT!

today is human trafficking awareness day, so i'm returning to the blogging world in an effort to participate in some small way in the fight to end slavery. my introduction to modern slavery began in early 2008 when my eyes were opened to this global problem during a social work conference. since that time, i have maintained a feeble attempt to remain informed regarding trafficking issues, and to take small steps to do something about the forced slavery of human beings. my connection to the ministry in india which i visited this summer with benjamin and a team from my church is a miniscule way i've been able to do something, albeit on a tiny scale, to be involved in this problem. but i know i haven't done enough - not by any stretch of the imagination.

i listened from home this january to each of the eight sessions from passion 2013 in atlanta. my heart broke under the weight of the knowledge that 27 million people are in forced slavery around the world, and yet i was immensely encouraged by the fact that students around the world are committed to shining a light on this massive problem. (check out enditmovement.com).

i've been thinking a lot about my role in this fight to end slavery. one of the organizations highlighted at the conference was slaveryfootprint.org. on their website, you can take a short quiz to find out roughly how many slaves indirectly work for you. i would encourage you to take the quiz. it will probably mess you up. i took the quiz. it messed me up. the results told me that 47 slaves work for me. seriously? 47? when i read that, i just cried. i care about slavery. i want it abolished. i hate slavery. i want the slaves to be free. how on earth can i be supporting 47 slaves? 

on wednesday i had a really good conversation with margaret. i shared with her my frustration over not knowing what to do. the most frustrating thing is that i don't know HOW i'm perpetuating the slavery of 47 people. perhaps there is some tiny component in my computer that was manufactured by a slave. perhaps a piece of my car was assembled by a slave. perhaps there is one ingredient in something i ate today that was harvested by a slave. i feel so helpless, because i don't know precisely how to live my life differently so as to support fewer and fewer slaves working on my behalf. 

at passion it seemed that the main way people were being encouraged to do something about this problem is to raise awareness. they said that raising awareness IS doing something. which is a good thing - because at this precise moment i really don't know what to tangibly do aside from raising awareness. i would love to know how all of the components of every item i buy were acquired, made, assembled, etc. but for now that information is not available. perhaps through raising awareness, this information WILL be available in the future. i hope so. because there is one thing i know for sure...i DON'T want to contribute to 47 people being held in the bondage of slavery. i want all 27 million slaves to be free.

another thing margaret said, which is so incredibly true, is that this in not an issue i (or we) have to tackle alone. of course we have a community of people who love Jesus who are in this fight with us. but even better than that, we have Jesus himself who is in the fight with us. He hates slavery infinitely more than we do. He is all about freeing people WAY more than we are. and He is SO much more powerful than we will ever be. 

so for now i guess i'll wait to hear from The One who is in control. i will pray that when He wants me to act, i'll know how to act and what to do. i'll pray that when He has a job for me to do, i'll do it diligently. i will tell people about slavery - and when i'm supposed to do more than that, He'll tell me. 

for those of you who are in this fight as well, let's chat. we CAN do something, and there is most definitely strength in believers uniting with Christ and one another, syncing up our heartbeats with His.        

i'm in it to end it. free the slaves. 
   

NT Israel...figurative or literal?

in this post i am doing something a little different...i am requesting responses with opinions. i realize that due to my long periods of blogging inactivity, it is highly likely that no one follows my blog anymore. BUT in the off chance that i do still have readers, i'm interested in what you think!

last weekend i went with my bff to a service with a group that i think would identify themselves as christian zionists. these are people who are gentile christians and are very focused on the land, nation, and people of israel. they want very badly for jewish people to believe that Jesus is the Messiah prophesied in the hebrew scriptures (which is awesome), but they also place enormous significance on the jewish race as God's chosen people (both in the old testament and today). they also place a great deal of emphasis on the geographic location of israel, and they believe that jewish people returning to jerusalem are vital for the second coming of Jesus. they also believe that the land of israel (jerusalem specifically) is the destiny of all believers in Christ. (please note - this is my simplistic interpretation of the beliefs of the specific group of people i observed and not necessarily a good definition of christian zionism as a whole).

i have been thinking about this a lot over the past week. it is clear that in the OT God called the jewish people out, set them apart, and established Himself as their God and them as His people. but my question is this - in light of Jesus' death and resurrection, and His clearly calling people of ALL nations, races, and peoples unto Himself, what status does the jewish race have now? OF COURSE God loves them and wants them to repent and to accept Jesus - but does God hold the jews in a place "more near and dear to His heart"? i was reading tonight in 1 peter, which is a book believed to have been written largely to gentile christians. peter writes to "those who are elect exiles of the dispersion." my study notes (in the esv study Bible) state: "Believers are not only exiles, but God's 'elect exiles.' They are his chosen people, just as Israel is designated as God's chosen people in the OT..Since the recipients of his letter were primarily Gentiles, Peter explicitly teaches that the church of Jesus Christ is the new Israel - God's new chosen people." (however, the notes also point out another view, that "these verses show that the church is like Israel but that the ultimate fulfillment of these OT prophecies pertains mainly to the future ethnic Israel rather than to the church...").

so what do you think? i definitely lean toward the view that God used the jewish race in the OT as a vessel to bring about redemption for people of all nations, but i am definitely unsure as to what i believe about the current call/role of israel today and what God has in store for jewish people in the future. are they still "chosen" moreso than gentiles, or does God's choosing "post-Jesus" have nothing to do with race and everything to do with the heart? and as a gentile believer, what should i do regarding jewish people who sadly have missed the Messiah they've been waiting and hoping for?

epiphany vs simplicity

i finally finished reading through the book of john. i've really enjoyed the journey. i think one thing i've enjoyed is the simplicity of the Gospel...and just reading the narrative stories of Jesus. when i am choosing a book to study, i often go for the more deeply "theological" books (hence romans being my favorite book of the Bible). but it has been nice to just relax with the greatest Book ever written and to read the stories of my Savior. of course there is theology in john, but i think it's been good for me to dwell on the simplicity and beauty of the book instead of craving for a "theological epiphany" at every turn. sometimes the example of the life of Christ is the simple epiphany i need...thank you Jesus for revealing theological intricacies AND life-altering simplicity in Your Living Word.

Holy Spirit advantage

i was reading in john chapter 16 last night, and i just want to share my musings about verse 7. in this verse Jesus states that it is good for Him to leave, because then the Holy Spirit (or "Helper") can come. Jesus says the "Helper" is an advantage. i was thinking about what Jesus meant here - how could the Holy Spirit be more of an advantage than having Jesus? i think the answer is simple (or at least it seems simple to me). i believe i know on an intellectual level what a privilege the Holy Spirit is...i mean, i can't imagine what it would have been like "pre-Jesus" to only experience God as a pillar of smoke or fire, a burning bush, an occasional audible voice, an occasional vision, or a second-hand prophet's message (all old testament references). or even in the new testament to have the physical presence of Jesus, but to only be able to see him occasionally when he passed through town, and even then likely only at the back of a packed-out crowd. sometimes i think about how awesome and life-changing it would be to actually, physically meet Jesus...but my heart forgets that i already have the "advantage" of having the Holy Spirit LIVING in me. Jesus is not greater than the Spirit. perhaps it's the connotation of "spirit" that makes me feel like meeting Jesus would be more personal, but i am SO wrong to think this way. perhaps i become so used to having the prompting of the Spirit, that i think of His voice as common and sometimes even learn to tune Him out. but i don't want to begin to think about a life devoid of the Holy Spirit living in me. how awesome is it that Jesus ended his bodily life on earth - a life in which he subjected himself to space-time restraints and could only be in one place at a time - and sent the Holy Spirit who can live and breathe and guide EVERY CHRISTIAN personally, throughout the world, at one time? what an advantage the Holy Spirit truly is! Lord, forgive me for all of the times I overlook the Spirit and downplay the amazing advantage you have given to Your children following Jesus' resurrection. PRAISE BE TO THE FATHER, AND THE SON, AND THE HOLY SPIRIT...THREE IN ONE!

back explosion

so it's been over a year since i last blogged...unacceptable, i know. i suppose at some point in the wedding planning process and then the months following the wedding, blogging just fell by the wayside. since i have never been an extremely faithful blogger i cannot promise that this time around will be much different, but i have been feeling an itch to write, so here goes.

as many people are now aware, back in december i ruptured a disc in my back. i had been experiencing back pain for over a month, and i was diagnosed with a bulging disc, but on december 13 as i was getting out of bed the disc actually "exploded" (a.k.a. ruptured). i fell back into bed unable to move at all without intense pain. i called my best friend who has a key to the house, and she came and eventually convinced me that we should call an ambulance. so the ambulance came and picked me up. what i thought might be several hours in the e.r. turned into nearly a week in the hospital. there were several times throughout my stay where i was told "if you can get up, you can leave." each time i tried to muster all of my will power and pain tolerance, but i could not get up. (really, who was i kidding - i couldn't even make it to the bathroom without benjamin halfway carrying me there...i'm not sure how i thought i was gonna get up and walk out).

after several days of trying numerous drugs and other things, the doctor on the floor suggested that it was time to consider surgery. at that point, i was just thinking "do whatever you want to me, just make the pain stop." because i continued to be in so much pain, and because i was so ready for the doctors to try anything they thought would help, i didn't really consider the seriousness of the surgery at the time. we were referred by friend to a very gifted neurosurgeon, and when he said he had done this specific surgery numerous times, i wasn't really worried at all. it wasn't until a week or so after the surgery that it really hit me how bad off i was, how intricate the surgery was, and what a miracle it is that i made it through back surgery and was healed.

it really hit me when i was reading in john 5 about the paralytic man beside the pool at bethesda. a man was there who had been an invalid for 38 years. he was hoping to be healed by the pool's waters, but had no one to help him into the pool when the waters were stirred. he couldn't even move a few inches to get into the pool. i realized that i could easily have been that man. had it been another time and had i lived in another place, i could have been lying, waiting, hurting for years and years. i could not even put any weight on my left side, and i'm sure many of the limited movements i did have were because i was on so many pain killers the most intense pains were at least somewhat diminished. Jesus miraculously healed the man at bethesda. but was the outcome of my surgery any less miraculous? from what i can understand, the neurosurgeon cut about a one-inch incision in my lower back. he cut some small pieces out of the bone in my spine in order to be able to get to the ruptured disc. he cleaned out all of ruptured disc material, which was what was pushing into my nerve column and causing the intense pain and numbness in my back, leg, and foot. after cleaning out the ruptured material he somehow closed up the disc, and then closed the incision in my back. several hours after the surgery i was walking around the hospital floor, able to put weight on my left leg without much pain. i mean, seriously...how is this not a miracle? the fact that God has given people the ability to understand the nerves in my back and to make an invalid walk in a few hours is baffling. were it not for the miracle of modern medicine and a gifted surgeon, i might be figuratively hanging out by the pool at bethesda right now, hoping and praying and begging for relief from my pain and my virtual paralysis.

sometimes it is so easy to miss the miraculous in a day and age and culture where miracles have become commonplace. just because my surgery was "routine" in the world of spinal neurosurgery does not mean that a miracle does not occur every time a procedure like mine is successful. God has given some the gift of healing - and whether or not my neurosurgeon recognized it, God used him to perform a miracle in my life on december 17. in a way i feel like the man at bethesda, or the man who was lowered through the roof to Jesus...all i know is that i couldn't walk, and then a miracle happened in an operating room, and now i can walk again.

praise GOD from whom ALL blessings [and miracles] flow!

romans 3

my lifegroup is currently studying romans...plugging along in one of the deepest (and best) books of the Bible. we have each chosen different commentaries to read along with romans, which is cool because different commentaries focus on different things, and when we get together to discuss each week we have different insights.

anyway, i have chosen john calvin's commentary on romans (www.forgottenbooks.org), and several weeks ago there were some amazing thoughts on romans 3:19-31 that i would like to share here. i'm sure you will see the recurring themes of human depravity, God's righteousness, and God's gift of reconciliation through faith alone. i hope these quotations will get your minds thinking and will humble your hearts over the Savior who sacrificed everything for your (and my) justification.

"...to be silent before the Lord is to tremble at his majesty, and to stand mute, being astonished at his brightness."

"And these two things - to be justified by works - and to be guilty of transgressions..., are wholly inconsistent the one with the other."

"...whosoever is found to be a sinner, is deprived of righteousness..."

"There is not other way of attaining righteousness; for some cannot be justified in this and others in that way; but all must alike be justified by faith, because all are sinners, and therefore have nothing for which they can glory before God."

"...since there remains nothing for men, as to themselves, but to perish, being smitten by the just judgment of God, they are to be justified freely through his mercy; for Christ comes to the aid of this misery, and communicates himself to believers, so that they find in him alone all those things in which they are wanting. There is, perhaps, no passage in the whole Scripture which illustrates in a more striking manner the efficacy of his righteousness; for it shows that God's mercy is the efficient cause, that Christ with his blood is the meritorious cause, that the formal or the instrumental cause is faith in the word, and that moreover, the final cause is the glory of the divine justice and goodness."

"This is the material, - Christ by his obedience satisfied the Father's justice (judicium - judgment,) and by undertaking our cause he liberated us from the tyranny of death, by which we were held captive; as on account of the sacrifice which he offered is our guilt removed. Here again is fully confuted the gloss of those who make righteousness a quality; for if we are counted righteous before God, because we are redeemed by a price, we certainly derive from another what is not in us."

"...nor is it a small commendation of God's grace that he, of his own good will, sought out a way by which he might remove our curse."

[referring to verse 25] "What Paul especially meant here is no doubt evident from his words; and it was this, - that God, without having regard to Christ, is always angry with us, - and that we are reconciled to him when we are accepted through his righteousness. God does not indeed hate in us his own workmanship, that is, as we are formed men; but he hates our uncleanness, which has extinguished the light of his image. When the washing of Christ cleanses this away, he then loves and embraces us as his own pure workmanship."

"for nothing is more difficult than to persuade man that he ought to disclaim all things as his own, and to ascribe them all to God."

"...God is just, not indeed as one among many, but as one who contains within himself all fullness of righteousness; for complete and full praise, such as is due, is not otherwise given to him, but when he alone obtains the name and the honor of being just, while the whole human race is condemned for injustice..."

"...for God by no means keeps his riches laid up in himself, but pours them forth upon men. Then the righteousness of God shines in us, whenever he justifies us by faith in Christ; for in vain were Christ given us for righteousness, unless there was the fruition of him by faith. It hence follows, that all were unjust and lost in themselves, until a remedy from heaven was offered to them."

"for faith receives all from God, and brings nothing except an humble confession of want."

baby Jesus

it's christmas eve (well it's technically christmas, but since i haven't gone to bed and woken up, it's still christmas eve to me). anyway, this is totally irrelevant.

i was at church tonight at the christmas eve service, and one of the songs speculated regarding why Jesus came to earth as a baby. i don't remember the precise words of the song, but the reasoning put forth was something resembling the thought that Jesus came as a baby so that perhaps we could relate to him better. while this is an interesting thought, it seems lacking to me. i sat in the pew for a while pondering why i didn't like the message of the song. and here's what i've come up with...

it's not so much about our needing to relate to helpless baby Jesus, but more about His need (or perhaps desire is a better word) to exhibit total and complete humility. i mean, if you're God, what is more humiliating than coming to a marred, depraved planet and putting yourself in the position of having two marred, depraved humans responsible for providing for your EVERY need? seriously, from the beginning mary and joseph didn't do such a hot job...a feeding trough for a bed? ;-) and then to come not only as a human, but a helpless human who pretty much eats, sleeps, cries, and poops.

so of course, in a way there is a message here for people. Jesus can relate to us because he has been where we are, even the helpless baby state.

but it's more than that - i think Jesus' paying for the seriousness of our depravity required His being totally humiliated. our sin nature is SO BAD that not only did Jesus have to die, he had to be willing to humble himself. philippians 2:8 states, "And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death - even death on a cross." SO Jesus' status as a human (especially a baby human) naturally entailed His humbling Himself. Jesus' humbling Himself seems to be of great importance in the way He lived and the way He died, and subsequently His ability to offer a sacrifice sufficient for human salvation.

so why BABY Jesus? because BABY Jesus was completely humble and humiliated. and SAVIOR Jesus was completely humble and humiliated. and because of that, i am forgiven.

what a merry christmas indeed! IMMANUEL, GOD WITH US is here, alive, once humiliated, now exalted, an acceptable substitution for my guilt.

God's glory vs. worldly advice

as many of you already know, i got engaged last week! i still don't think this news has totally sunk in, but i'm sure it will become more normal with each passing day.

anyway, i was talking to someone at work last week telling her the good news. she then proceeded to give me advice. she said i should beware of the bridesmaids, because they are usually in it for themselves and don't care what the bride wants. she then told me that the day is all about me, and i shouldn't care what the bridesmaids think and i should be prepared to stand up to them in order to get my way...because after all it's my day. i didn't know exactly how to respond, so i just nodded my head and mumbled some type of response and then tried to exit as quickly as possible.

there are several things i was thinking as i left her office. my first thought was "you have no idea how wonderful my friends are." i immediately felt blessed that God has placed wonderful people in my life who are not always thinking about themselves, and who understand that Jesus calls us to all lay down our own desires out of love for others.

my second thought was "you have no idea who my Jesus is!" it makes me sad that this coworker was basing her advice on several personal experiences in which the worldly norm was selfishness. it was obvious based on this short conversation that the parties involved in her wedding experiences were not allowing the Holy Spirit to work in their hearts and to let His glory shine through them in the ways they treated one another.

and my third thought was "IT'S NOT ABOUT ME!" it has always bugged me when people tell brides "it's your day, you should get whatever you want." (for this reason, i DETEST shows like "bridezilla"). i can't think of an example of a day that belongs to God more fully than a wedding day. first, God has ordained that the two parties become one, and HE did the work of bringing them together in the first place. second, the whole purpose of marriage is to set forth a picture of Jesus (the groom) uniting with the Church (His bride). so basically weddings (and marriages) are God's method of using people to project Jesus and to give us the closet analogy possible of Christ's love for the church. so yeah, it's not about me. i get to play an amazing part in the play, but i'm not the playwright. without the author, there is no story to act out. it's kinda like on "so you think you can dance." often times the choreographers get more props from the judges than the dancers, because without the choreographers there would be no dance for the dancers to execute.

in this wedding process, i am just a dancer following the steps of the LORD Of The Dance, hoping that my steps will bring glory to the One who created the dance and cast me in it. i hope that others who would be tempted to say "it's your day" will see that this is my heart, and will choose God's glory over worldly advice. it's His day, and i just want to make Him proud.

hosanna

hello friends. i apologize that it has taken me so long to post another song - no good excuses other than crazy business. anyway, i hope this latest installment will help you in your worship experience. the song i picked to meditate upon today is "Hosanna" by hillsong united. i am not going to go through every phrase, but instead give a little background as to why the word "Hosanna" is so important and revealing. as many of you know, "Hosanna" is the word that the people shouted as Jesus entered jerusalem. this triumphal entry signified the beginning of Jesus' passion - or Jesus' path the the cross. matthew 21:9 states "The crowds that went ahead of him and those that followed shouted, 'Hosanna to the Son of David! Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord! Hosanna in the highest!'" according to wikipedia (i know, not scholarly, but often helpful), the greek word for "Hosanna" is "the cry of praise or adoration shouted in recognition of the Messiahship of Jesus." so when the people shouted "Hosanna" they were screaming out for all to hear that they believed Jesus to be the Messiah (which was a dangerous thing to be yelling in jerusalem, with all of the religious leaders looking for any excuse to squelch any claims of deity regarding Jesus). and yet there is another meaning for "Hosanna" that we also need to identify! the hebrew word for "Hosanna" (actually translated "Hoshana") means "please save" or "save now" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hosanna). so in this one little word, the people are shouting "YOU ARE MESSIAH...PLEASE SAVE ME NOW!" the people recognized who Jesus was, and at the same knew who they were before Him, and they saw their intense NEED for a Savior. so the next time you sing this song, think about what you are singing, and YELL TO JESUS who He is and who you are, and fall on your face (figuratively and/or literally) that who HE is is exactly what YOU NEED!

Hosanna

by Hillsong United

I see the king of glory 


Coming on the clouds with fire


The whole earth shakes

The whole earth shakes





I see his love and mercy 


Washing over all our sin


The people sing


The people sing



Hosanna


Hosanna


Hosanna in the highest 


I see a generation 


Rising up to take their place


With selfless faith


With selfless faith



I see a near revival 


Stirring as we pray and seek


We're on our knees


We're on our knees



Hosanna


Hosanna


Hosanna in the highest


Heal my heart and make it clean 


Open up my eyes to the things unseen


Show me how to love like you have loved me



Break my heart from what breaks yours


Everything I am for your kingdom’s cause


As I walk from earth into eternity


Hosanna

Hosanna

Hosanna in the highest

breathe on me

Breathe On Me

by Todd Fields, Christy Nockels, Nathan Nockels

Find me here, in this place - Son of God, Saving Grace

At this hour, all my days - breathe on me, breathe on me

Morning Star, shine Your light – as I walk through this life

God of power, God of might – breathe on me, breathe on me

Forever, You are my reason for living – Merciful Savior unending –

Breathe on me

When I'm weak, You are strong - Your breath in me will be my song

In You my King I belong – breathe on me, breathe on me

Forever, You are my reason for living – Merciful Savior unending –

Breathe on me

Forever, You are the God of my story - Write every line for Your glory -

Breathe on me

Breathe on me, Breathe on me

When I’m weak, You are strong – Your breath in me will be my song

When I’m weak, You are strong, You are strong

Genesis 2:7 states: "then the LORD God formed the man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living creature." And them Psalm 150:6 says, "Let everything that has breath praise the LORD! Praise the LORD!" So God created mankind, and breathed into us the breath of life, SO THAT we could turn around and praise Him! Isn't it amazing that our sole purpose in this life is to bring God glory, and yet we can't even do that unless He provides us the breath necessary to do so. He calls us to glorify Himself, and He enables us to glorify Himself!

I love all of the words of this song, but I especially love the line that states "Forever, You are the God of my story. Write every line for Your glory. Breathe on me." I want every singe line of my story to glorify God - and that will ONLY happen if He is the one writing the story. Lord, give me the breath I need in order to praise You. "When I'm weak, You are strong. Your breath in me will be my song." To God be the glory!

how He loves

How He Loves

By John Mark McMillan

He is jealous for me

Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree

Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.

When all of a sudden,

I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,

And I realize just how beautiful You are,

And how great Your affections are for me.

Oh, how he loves us so

Oh, how he loves us,

How he loves us so.

Yeah he loves us, oh how he loves us

Oh, how he loves us

Oh how he loves

So he is our portion and we are his prize

Drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes,

If grace is an ocean we're all sinking.

So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,

And my heart turns violently inside of my chest.

I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way...

Yeah he loves us, oh how he loves us

Oh, how he loves us

Oh how he loves

i'm not going to go into a lot of detail on this one, because the words are so powerful i think we all just need to spend some time sitting on them, meditating over them, and letting Jesus move our hearts through them. however, there are a few things i definitely want to cover.

i think the most important thing for us to identify here is the wording in the very first line, which states "He is jealous FOR me." i want to be very clear here that there is a MAJOR difference in God being jealous FOR us versus His being jealous OF us. sadly, it was a confusion of this difference that was the first domino in a string of experiences that led our dear friend oprah to ultimately deny Christ. (if you are interested in hearing oprah talk about this, go here. you can watch the whole clip, but the part about God's jealousy starts at 2 minutes, 50 seconds). God is NOT jealous OF us. God's supreme purpose in the world is to bring glory to himself - there is nothing about us that would make Him jealous. He is holy, and we are filthy...God is most definitely NOT jealous OF us. but praise God that He is jealous FOR us! God loves us SO MUCH that He passionately pursues us. He is jealous FOR our love, allegiance, obedience, faithfulness, worship, praise...the list could go on and on! Jesus is so jealous FOR us that He took on our sin so that we could be in relationship with Him! He is so jealous FOR us that He bought us with His very life! He is so jealous FOR our praise that He commands our worship, and He commands that we lay down our lives for Him as He laid down His life for us.

after the first line, the rest of the song just gives us amazingly vivid pictures of the intensity of His passionate love toward us. can't you just see His love as a hurricane, blowing at you so violently that you bend and sway and feel like you might break? that's the intensity of His love! and the thought of grace being such a deep, vast ocean that we are all sinking? and the image of heaven meeting earth like a sloppy wet kiss, a kiss so passionate that your heart beats violently inside your chest...

HE LOVES US, OH HOW HE LOVES US!!! Praise Jesus that He is jealous FOR me!

God of justice

God of Justice

By Tim Hughes

God of Justice, Savior to all

Came to rescue the weak and the poor

Chose to serve and not be served

Jesus, You have called us

Freely we’ve received

Now freely we will give

To act justly everyday

Loving mercy in everyway

Walking humbly before You God

You have shown us, what You require

Now freely we will give

We must go live to feed the hungry

Stand beside the broken

We must go

Stepping forward keep us from just singing

Move us into action

We must go

Fill us up and send us out

Fill us up and send us out

Fill us up and send us out Lord

since i started these worship song posts with my favorite song, i figured i would follow with my second favorite song! "God of justice" could not be a more perfect anthem for the upcoming chrysalis weekend, being that our verse is micah 6:8, which reads "He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God" (ESV).

my church is currently going through a series on the book of mark, and last sunday the sermon was from mark 2. the pastor summed up the first part of mark by stating "JESUS DID STUFF." and that's what this verse (and this song) is all about. Jesus came to rescue the weak and the poor. He came not looking to be served, but to be a servant. Jesus showed mercy and justice to those who were abused and abandoned by everyone else (including the religious people of the day).

my favorite part of the song is the chorus, which states "pressing forward, keep us from just singing, move us into action." this is a calling and a challenge to us all. JESUS DID STUFF...SO WE SHOULD TOO! all too often we think that worship is just singing songs. but worship is my life, and worship is your life! if we just sing a few songs and then do nothing, then we are not truly worshipping. speaking or singing words out of lazy, insincere hearts makes for a very out-of-tune chorus rising up toward heaven but instead smacking against the ceiling.

revelation song

for the past month or so i've been collecting songs for the upcoming chrysalis retreat at which i am heading up the music team. i have already spent numerous hours sifting songs, making cds for the team, finding lyrics and chords, assembling notebooks, etc. as i was searching for lyrics and chords last night and playing through songs, i realized that it would be an awful shame if i spent countless hours with these songs, but didn't let the lyrics truly speak to me. there is so much truth packed into these songs, and i would be doing myself, the chrysalis team, the students on the retreat, and ultimately my Savior a disservice if i lead these songs without putting thought into every word and aligning my heart with the heart of worship presented in them. so, i figure it is appropriate to begin with what is currently my very favorite song. i will first include the lyrics to the song, and then i will write a little about how they speak to me.

revelation song

by gateway worship

Verse

Worthy is the Lamb who was slain. Holy, holy is He.

Sing a new song to Him who sits on Heaven's Mercy Seat

Clothed in rainbows, of living color.

Flashes of lightening, rolls of thunder.

Blessing and honor, strength and glory and power be,

To You, the only wise King.

Filled with wonder, awestruck wonder,

At the mention of Your Name.

Jesus, Your Name is power, breath and living water.

Such a marvelous mystery.

Holy, Holy, Holy is The Lord, God Almighty.

Who was and is and is to come.

With all creation I sing, "Praise to The King of Kings,"

You are my everything. And I will adore You

there is NO WAY i can say here everything this song means to me, so i'll go for a few highlights. the first verse begins by proclaiming that the Lamb is worthy and holy. it proclaims God's holiness, but then also declares that the Lamb is sitting on "heaven's mercy seat." what a beautiful picture this is for us! the Lamb is holy. because God is holy He cannot be in the presence of sin. however, this song depicts Christ as sitting on "heaven's mercy seat," and not "heaven's judgement seat." this is the beauty of the gospel. Jesus died so that the "judgement seat" can be satisfied and the "mercy seat" can be utilized.

the second verse beautifully depicts the splendor of the Lamb. He is clothed in rainbows, and He has lightning bolts at His fingertips! as one who has been forgiven through the mercy of the Lamb, i need to never forget his power, might, and splendor. seriously - clothed in rainbows? how can i even imagine that!?!?!

the third verse tells of my right response to the mercy of the Lamb, as well as his holiness, honor, splendor, and power. the correct response is for me to be filled with "awestruck wonder" at the very mention of His name! His name is power, breath, living water, and the most marvelous mystery ever imagined! i am ashamed of the numerous times His name is mentioned, and my first response is not to be filled with awestruck wonder. praise Jesus that He is still sitting on the mercy seat!

and finally the chorus - there isn't much i can add that isn't already there. Jesus is the Holy One, who was, and is, and is yet to come. with all creation i sing praises to the King of Kings, who is my EVERYTHING. i want my life to proclaim my adoration to the perfect Lamb as i eagerly await for my Savior, who is clothed in rainbows of living color, to appear with flashes of lightning and rolls of thunder! praise Jesus! AMEN!

coming...

so i’ve been reading through the Bible chronologically since last august. some parts have been amazing, as I have been journeying through with a group of incredible friends. toward the beginning of the study we were posting comments and questions, and really digging in together and going deeper. and then there was more old testament, and more old testament, and minor prophet after minor prophet…and i know i speak for more than just myself when i say it was draining! a month or two ago i made a comment to benjamin saying something resembling, “man, i can’t wait to be in the new testament!” and he made a wonderful connection. he pointed out that we get weary and bogged down when we are “stuck” in the old testament for 8 or 9 months. and yet if we feel that way in a "post-Jesus" world, imagine what it was like for those “pre-Jesus” people to be waiting, and hoping, and praying, and believing that someday Messiah would come and bring life and hope and freedom! the anticipation has built for me over the past week, as i could see on my schedule that the new testament (and more importantly Jesus) was coming soon. and then something john calvin said made this hit me even harder. in his commentaries on mark 1, he stated “In order to inflame the minds of his people with a stronger desire of the promised salvation, the Lord had determined to leave them, for a time, without new prophecies. We know that the last of the true and lawful prophets was Malachi.”

i read the book of malachi in a day, and then a day later i read about Jesus. the israelites read malachi, and then experienced silence for 400 years. imagine the anticipation…the longing…the hoping…the praying…the seeking…the doubting…the deafening silence. if i can long for Jesus (who i already have living in me), how much more did they long for him, and how much more astounding the anthem when all of a sudden, he burst onto the scene? and sadly many of them missed Messiah altogether. i pray that as i dig into the life of the Messiah, the long awaited One, that i will tap into that glimpse of longing that has tugged at me, and i will be perpetually grateful for the coming Messiah, WHO IS ALREADY HERE!!! the yearning and groaning for redemption is satisfied, the wait is over, and JESUS is HERE!!!

challenge

so i have been receiving monthly newsletters from Voice of the Martyrs (VOM) for quite some time now - i think ever since high school. it is so easy here in america, surrounded by comfortable things, and spoiled with all of our american freedoms, to completely forget or overlook the suffering that Christian brothers and sisters around the world are experiencing. for that reason i am extremely grateful for the little reminder that arrives in the mail every month in the form of a newsletter, as well as weekly e-mail updates from VOM that land in my inbox. tonight i began to read through some of the articles and stories, and i was overcome with the experiences of these courageous believers who love Jesus SOOOOO much.

but what really astounded me were several of the letters in the "VOM Mail" secion that were written in to VOM and published in the latest issue. one person wrote, "Stop the ruse. You are just another predatory business taking advantage of the gullibility of people. There is no such thing as Christian persecution..."
another person wrote, "You guys are kidding, right? 'Christians' attempt to impose their beliefs ('proselytize') in someone else's country, something tragic happens, and these are martyrs? Aren't you taking this Jesus complex a little far? ... Perhaps these people should consider that where they are going is populated by human beings just like themselves, with their own beliefs and ways of doing things, and respect them as they themselves wish to be respected. ... You should be ashamed - this kind of reasonless propaganda does not help anyone or anything, save your own pompous self-righteousness."

my roommate teasingly asked if these are the same people who don't believe the holocaust ever happened. while i could spend paragraphs steaming over comments like these, i believe they stand on their own as a statement of how far away people are from God. the bubble that encompases americans (and others who are removed from the persecution) is large, and it is shielding people from reality. (or perhaps people are just refusing to look at all. you don't need a bubble if you eyes are squeezed shut). the persecution is real, and it is happening all over the world. how do i know? for one i've read too many stories not to believe them. but even putting that aside, Jesus PROMISED there would always be persecution. His gospel is offensive to men who refuse to submit to a real, live, objective, holy, just God. so why are we surprised when people hate those who bring the message? the persecution will eventually be in our backyard too. if you can't see the changing climate even in our "free" country, then look closer. we won't always be able to keep our eyes squeezed shut, attempting to block out reality.

but anyway, that's not the point of this blog. the reason i'm writing is to challenge myself, and to challenge anyone who might read this, to do something about the persecution our brothers and sisters are experiencing. i will be the first to confess that i often don't do even the little things that i could to make a difference. but i want to try harder, and there are several things we can do even from our own sofas in america. of course we can always pray. and we can pray intentionally and specifically. check out www.persecution.com, www.PrisonerAlert.com, www.ChinaAid.org, and www.persecution.com/chinareport for up-to-date info on Christians who are facing persecution and imprisonment as we speak. but we can do more than just pray - we can write letters. at www.PrisonerAlert.com you can write letters to imprisoned believers, watch it translate the letter right in front of you, print it out, and mail it! can you write one letter a day? one letter a week? one letter a month? VOM reports that sometimes numerous letters from the US prompt prisoners to be realeased earlier than expected.

my question to myself is this - how can i claim to be a follower of Christ, and yet fail to do something as simple as writing a letter to a believer who is suffering for the same Jesus i claim to love so much? i think the only response i can give is to just shut up and write. so that's the challenge i'm giving myself. will you join with me???