Saturday, February 17, 2007

sleep

i'm going to have to stop reading at night, because i'm having trouble falling asleep. maybe if i would read boring books, or books that numb my mind instead of switching it into overdrive, i'd be ok. but that's not what i've found myself reading the past few weeks. i'm pretty much reading books about revolutions, which definitely don't lull my mind into dreamworld. as i mentioned a few posts ago, i've been reading blue like jazz for a while now. i'm almost done - i think i have 3 chapters left.

if that isn't enough to get my brain sensors firing, i've been reading this book call revolutionary generosity. it's by this guy who has 3 children, and all of them are in full-time ministry. his daughter did medical missions in the sudan and narrowly escaped death. one of his sons is still in the sudan, and plans to be there for a long time. he records the stories of Christians all over the country of sudan who have either seen family members and Christian brothers and sisters killed for their faith, or churches that have been burned down, etc. his job is to make sure ALL of their stories are recorded, and everyday he risks his life to record the stories of the saints in sudan.

and then i just started reading the irresistible revolution. as if the other two books weren't radical enough, i had to go and get myself hooked on this one. (i really just have some incredible friends back home to thank for that - you know who you are ;-) lindsay told me when i started reading it that i should "be prepared to feel uncomfortable" and she was SO right. if you can read that book on a soft sofa in a heated apartment without feeling uncomfortable, there's something wrong with you. i really just want to hop in my car, drive to the nearest "community" (read the book and you'll know what i'm talking about), and move in.

so when i read these books at night, my mind races with thoughts and ideas and deep longings that i can't really explain to anyone who doesn't know what i mean, and for those who do there's no need explaining. last week it took me over an hour to fall asleep one night beacause i just couldn't shut my brain down. it reminds me of when i was a teenager. i used to lie on my top bunk trying to keep things as dark as i could so my sister wouldn't yell at me for keeping her awake. i even made her a curtian with blankets so i could keep the light on longer. i would read my Bible and read Chrisian magazines and write in my journal and pray . . . and i could stay awake for hours just thinking and wondering and praying and crying about how i wanted my life to count for something. then i went to college, and since then the nights have been few and far between when i didn't fall asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. not that falling asleep easily is a bad thing, but i have somewhat missed the rapid-firing of brain cells when i'm "supposed" to be in dreamland. the bad thing is, it's not so great if i fall asleep during the day because my brain wouldn't shut down at night. so maybe i'll read some nights, and get some sleep others. what i do know is that my brain feels alive, and my heart feels alive in a way it hasn't in a while. it's a good feeling, like i'm on the brink of some amazing revolution, and just like i prayed for as a teenager, i'm hoping God will use me in the revolution so that my life will count for something - not for my own glory, but for my own disappearance in Christ and His revolutionary plans.

3 comments:

hot-z said...

i like to remember the words that shannon says in regards to all this, 'it hurts.'

i can't imagine reading all 3 of those books at one time. i can hardly handle just the one.

i think we're all on the edge something. how amazing it would be if we were all on the same edge together!?

sleep is good.

from the inside out said...

I can so identify with what you're saying. I feel "alive" again after a long period of deadness. It's like I've been drifting and barely keeping my head above water, but now I've realized I was close to drowning and am at least splashing around in the water some to get where I can start swimming up stream, but it's not easy to swim up stream; it's easier to drift with the current, but no longer am I a drifter!!!

I love you Tiff! Thanks for the card. I loved it!

I can't wait to see where God takes us all.

tanya said...

hello from tanzania! i was reading this book called 'Making Jesus Lord' by loren cunningham, the founder of ywam. i read a quote from the book, and thought of you... and prayed for you and your decision and preparation for your adventure. here's the quote: 'Lots of time we hear people talking about 1/3 of the world being 'closed to the gospel'. where did this term come from? who closed that third? is it God's idea? did He say to go into all the world that is politically free and where it is legal to preach and give the gospel to every creature? no. the truth is, only the devil wants to close countries. if he can get you to believe a country is closed, then for you it is closed. but if we give up our right to freedom we can go anywhere on earth today.'

This blog is a testimony to the work that God is perpetually acting in my life. I am learning that when I think I've given enough of myself, I've barely begun. My prayer is that as God continues to grab hold of my life, not only will He become greater and I become less, but He will become ultimately supreme and I will vanish. This Holy Disappearance will be a lifelong journey in which, by the grace of God, I will become so wrapped up in Him that all of me will disappear and all of Him will SHINE