Monday, January 15, 2007

my heroes and the dance

my roommate and i just finished watching season one of 24. (i know - we're slightly behind). as is the case with most of the population of america, i'm slightly obsessed. i found myself yelling at the tv when the season ended so unexpectedly, and i even made my roommate watch the first episode of season two with me because i just couldn't take the suspense. jack bauer is my hero.

speaking of heroes, i'm also an avid watcher of NBC's show "heroes." you better believe i'll be watching next monday when they FINALLY decide to tell us what happens next.

so you're probably wondering what this has to do with this blog, which is about my journey with God and my desire to disappear into His glory. it pretty much all boils down to heroes.

i'm reading this book called "the one year book of christian history." it is divided up into 365 daily readings about key figures in christian history. some are people i'm very familiar with. others are people i've never heard about before, and probably none of you have either. yesterday i read about this guy named walter l. wilson. he was a kansas city physician who lived in the late 1800 and early 1900's. i would like to include a prayer from the book that wilson lifted up to the Holy Spirit:

"My Lord, I have mistreated You all my Christian life. I have treated You like a servant .... I shall do so no more. Just now I give You this body of mine, from my head to my feet. I give You my hands, my limbs, my eyes and lips, my brian; all that I am within and without, I hand over to You for You to live in it the life that You please. You may send this body to Africa, or lay it on a bed with cancer .... It is Your body from this moment on. Help yourself to it ...." -walter l. wilson

this guy is a hero of mine. i just learned about him yesterday, but he is a hero. he was able to pray the prayer that i so desperately want to pray. what would it look like for me to give God COMPLETE control of my body - to take it to africa or infest it with cancer? this is a scary prayer! but if i ever want to truly disappear, this prayer is one that i'll have to not only pray, but really MEAN. why is it so hard to give God something that is already His? why am i so possessive of this shell i call home? He is breaking through. He's taking control. He's holding my hand as He softly prys the controls from my fingertips. soon i feel like i'll be spinning out of control - well at least out of MY control. but i guess "spinning out of contol" is more like a dance when God is leading. i don't know where the next step will be, but the Lord of the Dance knows. the spinning may seem aimless to me, but He has the steps mapped out. i just have to fall into His arms and be absorbed in the dance, the spinning, the loss of control on my part, the masterful gaining of control on His. am i ready? can i pray the prayer?

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This blog is a testimony to the work that God is perpetually acting in my life. I am learning that when I think I've given enough of myself, I've barely begun. My prayer is that as God continues to grab hold of my life, not only will He become greater and I become less, but He will become ultimately supreme and I will vanish. This Holy Disappearance will be a lifelong journey in which, by the grace of God, I will become so wrapped up in Him that all of me will disappear and all of Him will SHINE